Feelin lost.

Hey sweet bloggy friends. How is life treating you these days?

Me?

A little confused, a little sad and a little lost. Get comfy, this is a long one. ;)

Have you ever felt lost in your own surroundings? It's a very strange feeling.

Part of me loves this blog, part of me hates it, part of me wants to write every day, part of me never wants to write again. I think my husband would agree that I'm a bit complicated in my ways of thinking...but what woman isn't? ;)

I feel as though I must update you on what's been going on over the past month or so. Although, I'd really rather not...because I'm such a people pleaser and I care to much what people think. I do realize that has got to stop. I will never have the ability to please everyone or allow everyone to see what's real in my heart.

As the girls finished up their last week of school, I have never felt so lost. I mean, one day, I literally forgot which way to turn down a road that I turn down at least five times a day. It's been the strangest feeling.

I haven't understood much of anything lately. Why does it seem like the Lord is turning my little world, which I've been quite comfortable in, upside down? Hmmm....

Making this school decision has been no easy task. And every one of my sweet friends can vouch for that!

But, as I've researched home school, talked to more mom's than I can count, I've realized something...

Sometimes, what God calls us to do...it doesn't make sense to anyone. Maybe not even ourselves.
And that is exactly how I have felt..... Nothing is making sense.

As I've come to accept that our girls are not going back to their school, I've shed many, many tears. As I've thought about my life as a home school mom, I've shed many, many tears. Not because I don't love my girls, don't want to be with them and don't feel like home school is a great option, but....and I'm just going to have to be real for a moment.

My husband works his tail off. And I love that he is such a hard worker and will do whatever he has to do to provide for our family. But, the fact is, at this point in life, he is virtually never home.

And that is not something neither he nor I can do anything about right now. I don't have a sister, no aunt's around, my brother is on the other side of the country as our my brother in law and sister in law, my mom is in Asheville and my in-law's both work full-time jobs plus take care of my husband's grandmother.

So...don't hear me whining, but it doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room for help with the girls. Most days and nights and weekends, it's just me and the girls. And I'm ok with that.

But the idea of being with the girls, being fully responsible for the education, activities and everything else...was a little overwhelming. One that I was willing to do in order to obey if that is what the Lord was calling me to do. But I have not had peace about it...at all.

Mainly because every home school mom I was talking to would have one phrase that was oh-so-common. It was: "I knew that this was what God was calling me to do..."

I never felt that way...I felt like God was "making" me do this. Something I wasn't sure were the right motives behind homeschooling.

A couple of weeks ago, an opportunity came up for us, one of which I have pondered, prayed, researched and lost many hours of sleep over.

My parents have a house on another side of town, a town called Matthews, that they basically generously offered us to "house swap". Reason being that they are zoned for a very good school here in Charlotte. Unfortunately where we live, our school we are zoned for is not one I felt comfortable sending our kids to. And for neither of us is it a good time to sell.

Ok...hear me out for a minute.

I realize, I have readers who read this blog who feel that home school is the only way, that it's what we as mom's are supposed to do.

I also realize that I have readers who read this blog who would never dream of putting their kids in a public school.

And I also realize that I have readers who would work three jobs to keep their kids at a Christian school.

And yet again, I also realize that I have readers who are totally fine with public school and wouldn't ever think twice about it.

Wow.

You see why I've been SO confused???

But here's what I've come to realize in my short time of contemplating this dilemma...

God doesn't call all of our kids, families and spouses to the same place. If He did...what kind of life would that be? More like....puppets?

A very wise friend of mine who does in fact home school recently sent me an e-mail that said this, "Nicki, God doesn't call everyone to home school, He does call some kids to be in a public school."

And I began to ask the Lord...."Could you be "calling" us to a public school?"

But I began to think about my oh so comfortable little world of teaching bible studies, sending my kids to a safe place, my circle of friends, my committees I serve on, the job I've had....pretty "safe", pretty "secure". In fact....don't really have one friend who's not a Christian.

Not sure if that's the way the Lord intends us to be. In fact, my life might look a little "Christian-snobbish". If that's even a term!!!

And so, I do believe we've made a decision. One that will in fact have me on my knees every-single-day.

We are moving.

This brings many emotions, many mixed feelings but also a new sense of service. A new community, a new school, new friends and new experiences.

But friends, one request.....Instead of us all thinking we've got the right answer, and looking down on those who hear another call of obedience...can we not just all come together? All support? All love? And all pray for our kids?........I am willing....are you?

It is not our place to judge. But it is our place to love, build up and encourage one another.

I pray that everyone that reads this blog today will experience a new set of freedom within the body of Christ. And hear me say, that the body of Christ doesn't just include our individual church's. It's all of God's children. We are one. We are supposed to be united. We are supposed to be ready and willing to come along beside each other...no matter where we are at in life.

The Lord is asking me to Trust Him. Like never before. He's making me un-comfortable, stretching me and putting me in a new place. I don't like it.....but I will trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Ok, so I need some lovin today, friends, comments are much appreciated and even needed today. I love you all so much and I thank you for your prayers and support!