Thursday, May 28, 2009

Feelin lost.

Hey sweet bloggy friends. How is life treating you these days?


A little confused, a little sad and a little lost. Get comfy, this is a long one. ;)

Have you ever felt lost in your own surroundings? It's a very strange feeling.

Part of me loves this blog, part of me hates it, part of me wants to write every day, part of me never wants to write again. I think my husband would agree that I'm a bit complicated in my ways of thinking...but what woman isn't? ;)

I feel as though I must update you on what's been going on over the past month or so. Although, I'd really rather not...because I'm such a people pleaser and I care to much what people think. I do realize that has got to stop. I will never have the ability to please everyone or allow everyone to see what's real in my heart.

As the girls finished up their last week of school, I have never felt so lost. I mean, one day, I literally forgot which way to turn down a road that I turn down at least five times a day. It's been the strangest feeling.

I haven't understood much of anything lately. Why does it seem like the Lord is turning my little world, which I've been quite comfortable in, upside down? Hmmm....

Making this school decision has been no easy task. And every one of my sweet friends can vouch for that!

But, as I've researched home school, talked to more mom's than I can count, I've realized something...

Sometimes, what God calls us to doesn't make sense to anyone. Maybe not even ourselves.
And that is exactly how I have felt..... Nothing is making sense.

As I've come to accept that our girls are not going back to their school, I've shed many, many tears. As I've thought about my life as a home school mom, I've shed many, many tears. Not because I don't love my girls, don't want to be with them and don't feel like home school is a great option, but....and I'm just going to have to be real for a moment.

My husband works his tail off. And I love that he is such a hard worker and will do whatever he has to do to provide for our family. But, the fact is, at this point in life, he is virtually never home.

And that is not something neither he nor I can do anything about right now. I don't have a sister, no aunt's around, my brother is on the other side of the country as our my brother in law and sister in law, my mom is in Asheville and my in-law's both work full-time jobs plus take care of my husband's grandmother.

So...don't hear me whining, but it doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room for help with the girls. Most days and nights and weekends, it's just me and the girls. And I'm ok with that.

But the idea of being with the girls, being fully responsible for the education, activities and everything else...was a little overwhelming. One that I was willing to do in order to obey if that is what the Lord was calling me to do. But I have not had peace about all.

Mainly because every home school mom I was talking to would have one phrase that was oh-so-common. It was: "I knew that this was what God was calling me to do..."

I never felt that way...I felt like God was "making" me do this. Something I wasn't sure were the right motives behind homeschooling.

A couple of weeks ago, an opportunity came up for us, one of which I have pondered, prayed, researched and lost many hours of sleep over.

My parents have a house on another side of town, a town called Matthews, that they basically generously offered us to "house swap". Reason being that they are zoned for a very good school here in Charlotte. Unfortunately where we live, our school we are zoned for is not one I felt comfortable sending our kids to. And for neither of us is it a good time to sell.

Ok...hear me out for a minute.

I realize, I have readers who read this blog who feel that home school is the only way, that it's what we as mom's are supposed to do.

I also realize that I have readers who read this blog who would never dream of putting their kids in a public school.

And I also realize that I have readers who would work three jobs to keep their kids at a Christian school.

And yet again, I also realize that I have readers who are totally fine with public school and wouldn't ever think twice about it.


You see why I've been SO confused???

But here's what I've come to realize in my short time of contemplating this dilemma...

God doesn't call all of our kids, families and spouses to the same place. If He did...what kind of life would that be? More like....puppets?

A very wise friend of mine who does in fact home school recently sent me an e-mail that said this, "Nicki, God doesn't call everyone to home school, He does call some kids to be in a public school."

And I began to ask the Lord...."Could you be "calling" us to a public school?"

But I began to think about my oh so comfortable little world of teaching bible studies, sending my kids to a safe place, my circle of friends, my committees I serve on, the job I've had....pretty "safe", pretty "secure". In fact....don't really have one friend who's not a Christian.

Not sure if that's the way the Lord intends us to be. In fact, my life might look a little "Christian-snobbish". If that's even a term!!!

And so, I do believe we've made a decision. One that will in fact have me on my knees every-single-day.

We are moving.

This brings many emotions, many mixed feelings but also a new sense of service. A new community, a new school, new friends and new experiences.

But friends, one request.....Instead of us all thinking we've got the right answer, and looking down on those who hear another call of obedience...can we not just all come together? All support? All love? And all pray for our kids?........I am willing....are you?

It is not our place to judge. But it is our place to love, build up and encourage one another.

I pray that everyone that reads this blog today will experience a new set of freedom within the body of Christ. And hear me say, that the body of Christ doesn't just include our individual church's. It's all of God's children. We are one. We are supposed to be united. We are supposed to be ready and willing to come along beside each matter where we are at in life.

The Lord is asking me to Trust Him. Like never before. He's making me un-comfortable, stretching me and putting me in a new place. I don't like it.....but I will trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Ok, so I need some lovin today, friends, comments are much appreciated and even needed today. I love you all so much and I thank you for your prayers and support!


Mulchy Mama said...

First of all, let me say that I love you!!! This post is awesome and it is soooo true. If God called all of us to the same thing, what a boring world this would be!! And God places His children just where He wants them to do His work...and He equips them. ;)
I am so thankful He led you to a decision. Like my blog post last week (which I keep reminding myself of!), my prayer is that you'll be like Hannah, leave this with your Daddy, and be sad no more! I know that this is a huge weight off of your shoulders now that you have reached a decision. We need to have a party to celebrate!!!
I really do love you bunches!! Looking forward to tonight! :)
Praising the Lord for His guidance!! :)

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

Thank you sweet girl!! I love you and I thank you for your prayers!! You have been such a blessing. ;)

Deidre said...

I loved reading this, Nicki. I just spoke at our women's brunch about how we judge each other - we have double standards for one another and none of us can measure up to another's expectations - man, we can't even measure up to our own!

First and foremost, you answer to our sweet Savior and He is proud of you for seeking HIM. I do send my oldest daughter to a Christian school (my youngest starts next year) and had to recently sell my house to keep them there. I have always said I would homeschool if I had to and God would equip me to do it, but then I BEG HIM to never make me :)

The truth is none of us know what we would do with any decision until we are faced with it. I'm not pro Christian school, pro public school, pro homeschool ... for us it's a year by year decision and a child by child decision because I feel God wants me discerning His voice always. I have to follow Him and my friend, if we followed all the other voices coming at us, we would be tossed to and fro and never know what to choose.

I think you are brilliant for letting the ONE TRUE GOD guide your family. Your girls are going to be better off simply because they are watching their sweet Mom follow her Savior - no matter what. They are seeing you live out your faith in front of them and there's no greater gift. For that reason, they are going to THRIVE! Can't wait to see what God does with your sweet family!

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

Deidre, thank you for your has me in tears!! I've been so emotional about this whole process and I thank you for your kind words! You are exactly ya! ;)

More than Survival said...

Thank you for being honest. It can be hard to be honest. As much as I love blogs I think that it often leaves us feeling even worse... everyone else seems to have it all together!!!! I know I don't! Praying that God will continue to direct your steps!!!!!
We have done christian school, home school and public school. For now we are staying with public school. God has a plan for EACH family... EACH family is different!!!!!! Enjoy your FREEDOM!!!!!

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

Thank you MTS! I sure hope my blog doesn't make you feel that way!! Because I sure don't have it all together. ;) But you are right, we all need to be more real, open and honest. Thanks for your words of encouragement!! :)

Anonymous said...

I know this will be a great move for you guys. Of course, you will be closer to us. Matthews is a great school and I am jealous because I have tried to get Emily enrolled there. It's awesome that you have the choice. I know everything will work out fine. Sheila

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

Thank you Shelia! We will be closer!! We'll have to get the girl's together. I will see you tonight. ;)

Rebecca Jo said...

I hate you feel so conflicted over this... hate people put a "judgement" on it... I truly believe either way is a wonderful thing! I believe home school has its benefits but public school holds its own as well...

Someone just asked our children's minster why she puts her 3 daughters in public school - she said "Because I want them to be the salt & light to others"... just like you said - what kind of school would it be if there were NO Christians there?

I was a Christian through school - totally enjoyed it - learned - grew - showed my faith!

Just let the decision be led by God & dont worry what anyone else says, thinks or feels...

The move sounds exciting! Sounds like maybe that is just what you needed to find directio on not being lost anymore :)

ValleyGirl said...

Oh Nicki. I COMPLETELY understand your homeschooling dilemma. On the one hand, I'd love to have complete control over what and how my kids learn, but at the same time, I KNOW that we are ALL looking forward to being able to spend time apart!! I love my girls dearly, but I know the summer will feel long in some ways because there is no break from the "togetherness." And I, like you, have a husband who is often on the road 5-6 days a week. Pseudo-single parenthood DOES become a burden sometimes.

I read this post, and I breathed a sigh of relief for you. Relief that there IS another option and that you don't HAVE to homeschool. What a great opportunity for your girls ~ and for you! A whole new mission field!!

Karen said...

Hi there!

Oh I had such a great time with my sisters this weekend! So I get what you are saying.

Nicki if you did not feel peace about home schooling maybe you were not suppose to do it. I think when the action is right, peacefulness comes with it. At least that has been my experience.

Also I was a stay at home mom by choice and I loved doing that, but I really really needed that break when the boys went to school. I never felt guilty about it. You see, I knew my self well enough to know I could not home school and stay sane. I would be a very bad mom. Its just the way it is. Dan and I were active in their education, we payed attention. As a result they were both honor students. Public schools are not bad, the parents just have to pay attention and be active.

Now girly get on with it! This is a good thing and you got a lot of packing to do. Do it with joy and gratitude. Sorry for getting bossy, but Aunts can do that.

Happy Day


JenB said...

I'm so glad you made the decision!! I know it was so hard. How awesome for the Lord to give you this option! Can't wait to talk to you about it more. See ya Saturday!

Love you!

Louise said...

Ahhh girl I am feeling your heart so much through this post, we all want what is best for our children. You have to make the decision that is best for you and your family no one else can convince you or even should convince you to do it differently~ God knows best!!
I am thinking of you and sending you Hugs!!!

Sharon Brumfield said...

First, I can say how excited I am for you! What an adventure you are on....and I know all about journeys that don't seem to make sense!
I went through the struggle with the whole home school don't home school.If God had not moved us when He did....I would have home schooled. The school system was horrible and I was not going to expose Julia to that. Then He moved us here and the school (public) is great. And on top of that God used the school to really bring Julia out. The last school she was in about destroyed her-there were some girls that ganged up on her.
God has strengthened something in her.

So how cool to be in a new neighborhood...and new house---cuz I know how you love the neighborhood and house you are in. ;) Who ever thought God would provide this way?
So we will be praying as you least God is getting this moving before school is starting.
I pray that as you move the weight will lift. And just think of the new ministry possibilities.
I am excited about what God is going to teach you and do through you. Keep is in the tough times that we have the opportunity to grow the closest to Him.

And your feelings about your blog....seasons girl...seasons!
I have felt the same.
But when I have taken the opportunity to share the good, the bad, and the ugly I have been amazed at how someone needed to hear what I said. Keep it up till God says, It is finished. :)

Mimi C said...

Hi Nicki...God will use you and your family for His glory. Every situation in life has pros and is what we do with those things that matter. You were salt and light in the public school as well as private school. You were instrumental at praying at the flag pole in the public school. You shared your faith to those who just didn't made a difference. Why should the girls be any difference? Love mom
To Him be the Glory.

Listen to Auntie..she knows what she is talking about.

The Patterson 5 said...

I totally agree with your statement that God doesn't want us all to be in the same place.

My husband, a preacher's son, was brought up in the public school system -and he always, on his own, sought out kids who were "lost" and invited them to church, youth group, etc. (he was no angel but he did lead his friends to the right Jesus) One particular friend who had a felon father and at times abscent mom was one of the friends he brought to church. This young man accepted Christ, went to a Christian college married a beautiful girl and then faced the hugest challenge....a child with cancer. He crusaded for Christ the whole time and showed glory to God through each day of the grueling ordeal he watched his little girl go through. He and his wife have gone on to help other families who are going through this illness. Even families in other states. What if a Christian child was not in class with him in 6th grade? Would he have been prepared for the path God had him on? God's plans are not our plans and even as children we are missionaries for Christ.

I think Christian schools and home schools are wonderful.. God needs his workers everywhere!

Jennifer said...


We have never met but I do follow your blog all the time - AND I am looking forward to the retreat in January! - but I just wanted to send you a hug. Its sad - but true - but the ones we feel like we have to most "justify" God's leading in our life to are our Christian friends. Been there - done that.

This Christian walk is not a little box....and I try to remind myself - God did not call me to lead her life....or her life...or anyone else's but mine! God will surely give you peace with exactly what He has in store for the girly girls and school!

That said - I LOVE Matthews...and just a little bit envious that you are gonna be living there! Embrace this new adventure the Lord is taking you on :)


Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

Nik, I was so glad to read this post today. I have not had a peace about you homeschooling. I know it's a wonderful thing, but not for everyone. In your writings I sensed that you felt it was the thing you were 'supposed' to do. We have had our granddaughter, Avery, in a Christian school since she was 4, but this year she is going to be going to public school. She told my daughter that she would be like a missionary at the school. Our Christian school is stopping at 5th grade and she will be going in 4th grade this year. My daughter felt like she needed to make friends and perhaps have some of the opportunities of a public education. We feel like if it doesn't work out at public we can always change. But the Lord has given me a peace about it and I think it will be fine. You have a beautiful family and I feel like the Lord is calling you with your bible studies and ministering to women. He may need you to spend extra time on studying yourself. Don't feel like everyone has it together, but I know what you mean. When women post pictures of their homes I often feel like I would flip out if they saw my ultra humble home. My husband is so crazy about dogs and I'm here in Atlanta all you can just imagine. Anyway, I said that to let you know, people love your ability to be real and open and not paint a rosy picture all the time. I start wondering about folks that have the perfect life. I believe He tests us and is more interested in us pleasing Him than each other. I didn't mean for this to be a novella, but I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you and from the sounds of the Matthews area people are very positive about it. Keep us up to date on the move. Love ya, Trish

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

I promised myself for every word of encouragement I would be thankful and praise God for you so here I go....;)

Rebecca Jo, you are so awesome and I love your insight all the time! Thank you for your strong words!!

Tammi, I know you know girlfriend!! thank you for your support!!

Auntie Karen I'm so glad you pipped up! i've missed your input on here! And you are right...;) Thanks for the push, I'm looking for boxes and paint swatches. hee hee. ;)

Jen, you know how forever grateful I am to you for all your strong words of encouragement. I love your heart and you've been an inspiration to me! You rock!! ;)

Sharon, thank you for your words of encouragment and godly insight on all things, especially motherhod. Love you girl! :)

Lousie, thanks girlfriend!! Hugs right back!!

Mom, thank you for your lighter side and input on all this, and thank you for the opportunity to breathe again. :) I love you.

Patterson 5, I always enjoy your words of encouragement and thoughtful comments!! Thank you for these words!! I cheerish them. ;)

Jennifer, thank you for that!! I cannot WAIT to meet you!! I have been so blessed by your kind words and I thank you again for these today. you are so sweet!!

Trish, what a precious grandmother you are, and I always love your view of things! I will be praying for your grandaughter's transition too. What an awesome little girl! My Taylor is going in to the 4th grade too! Love you!!

Thank you ALL for these awesome comments and support!! You have been my confirmation and deep sighs of relief today. I love you!!

Kelly said...

I just found your blog yesterday , and since I was home fighting a virus, spent the evening reading older posts, and getting to "know you". I have to say, I love your honesty and your heart for the Lord.

So much of what you wrote spoke to me, and I found myself praying for you and the decisions you seemed to be struggling with. Being a godly Mommy is so hard, as we strive to do the best for our children, and it is evident that you have sought the Lord, and He has made the way for His will. I sense such peace in your writing today, and hope that peace pervades every aspect of your upcoming move and transition of schools.

Thank you for sharing this journey, and I look forward to seeing what great things God has in store for you and your family:-)

KAY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

How exciting! I new house, new friends and a new school! My girls have been in private and public school and have done well in both.

I was like you, a couple of years ago I had no non-Christian friends, now I have several.

Chad worked way to many hours when the girls were little just so I could stay home with them. It was the right decsion, but it was just like you described...hard.

Have a great week! Oh, another thing I did when we first made the switch is I talked to the girls about how God was hand picking their teachers for a purpose. One year we got a teacher who I didn't like. All year long, we would remind each other God picked her for a purpose! It made us grow, and the girls got to see that sometimes God doesn't "fix" the problem, he helps us through.

Have a great weekend!

My Army Brats and Me said...

I am so behind. Where are you moving? Did you sell your house?? You are gonna love homeschooling:0)

Feeling lost Oh my do I. I am praying for you my faithful friend and looking forward to spending time with you soon.
Love ya
fighting like a girl

Faith said...

Nicki, I'm so excited that the Lord has provided for you all in this way! He is so good and I know that as you have been seeking His perfect plan for your family He has led you to this decision. So thankful for His perfect peace in your heart!

Tisha said...

Nicki- I am so glad you are at peace! What a blessing! Mommy guilt can be so awful! Why do we second guess ourselves! We are zoned for the same school as you & would also never consider sending our girls there. For now, HGBCS is right for us. If we had a different option that would be great too! You have to do what's right for your family! I have told the girls that they can't assume everyone is a christian or come from a christian home just because they are at HGBCS. We have met several families that use HGBCS as an alternative to our school system. Grace had a Hindu family in her class last year! They were a precious family & I prayed they always saw Jesus in everyone when they were at the school. I have told the girls they always need to be a "light" no matter where they are because you never know! God can use you wherever you are! Grow where your planted!!

TammyIsBlessed said...

I'm so glad you had another option and that you didn't feel like you HAD to homeschool. And, though I've just begun reading your blog, I can already tell that if you truly felt like God was calling you to do it, you'd do it.

But homeschooling is not a badge of honour to be shown off. Neither is Christian private school. Or public school for that matter.

What matters is that you've sought God's will and that you've made the decision that's right for you and your family at this time.

I hope you feel less confused and more sure of your decision as time goes on. I know you will!

sa said...


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