Lord, increase my faith.
Yes, it is. A dangerous thing to ask of God. But I believe in dangerous prayers.
Because dangerous prayers lead to dangerous faith which is ultimately what we all really want.
This past week two increases of faith things have happened in my life. And again, that whole love/hate thing with this blog comes rising up again. Because I know that on the other side of this screen are your eyes.
Eyes I cannot see. Eyes I may not know. And eyes that I may never look into which happens to be the main thing I don't care for with this blog. Because truthfully, I care what your eyes say. I am willing to be misunderstood but I am not willing to not care.
I am pretty much the poster-child for questionable faith. Which is why one like myself should not pray prayers of increasing faith. [smile] But none-the-less, I have prayed that prayer and God has answered. Yes, answered with a challenge.
A challenge to trust, to believe and to hope for a life of dangerous faith.
Kris, my husband, last week told me that he felt like God was moving him to start his own company. After I had my FO (freak-out) moment, I had to simply release the control I wanted to have over the situation.
Does it make any type of sense to start a company in this economy? No. Do I fully realize that we could lose everything? Yes.
These teeter-totter thoughts were all I could think on for a few hours.
But then, all it took was one person. Just one. My mom, to say, "I believe in you guys -you can do this."
Truthfully, there is something about anyone believing in you -but specifically from your mom. It that makes you go...ok maybe this could work.
And so, dangerous faith prevailed and Kris made the decision with my support. We now own a company! Crazy, I know.
A few days later I was having lunch with a friend. A friend I care a great deal for and feel very at ease to share my heart with. I had told her some of the struggles I was facing in my life. She simply shared the thought that sometimes, we just don't know what God is going to do.
I have heard that at least a thousand and one times in my life. But that day...it struck a chord with me like never before.
That afternoon I got home and was flumming through my e-mail. And there I saw it. An answer, and with an unexpected challenge to the dangerous thing to ask, "increase my faith".
A few weeks earlier I had entered a writing scholarship contest for the Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference. I didn't tell a soul about this contest because quite frankly...I knew I had no chances of winning. But to my shock and disbelief there before me were a few sentence's with the words, "Congratulations, you are the Cecil Murphy scholarship winner!"
Yes, sometimes you just don't know what God is going to do. I sat there numb for a few moments, I truly couldn't believe it. Tears of joy, excitement and yet still...disbelief overcame me. I didn't know God was going to do that! And the timing...wow. Only God.
My heart aches to see your eyes right now because if I could I would look at you and say, "Pray that He will increase your faith but expect the challenge."
Faith is not a sprint to see who can get to the finish line first. It's a marathon and we are all at our own pace running in our own style. I've come to accept my style and admit fully that I need work. I need help. I need guidance. I need truth spoken into my own life. And sometimes...I run a bit slower than the world around me -I can't keep up.
I don't know what is to come from this company or this conference. The rest will come -whatever it is. So for now, I rest in that.
I wonder if you and I will accept the challenge and will we walk hard to gain dangerous faith? Will we look for the small steps? Because they will lead to the most giant leaps. And we have to be ready. Ready -because He's gonna say "now". He wants to take us by surprise...but will we let Him?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Lord, increase my faith.