So, I'm not predicatable.

Ok, I realize that I totally promised a second post on Monday to follow up with the last one, but hello...I'm a total slacker. ;)

But it's Tuesday so it's not THAT bad right?

I have so much I want to say right now.

The Lord is just moving through my heart with so much conviction about who I thought I was. For my bible study girls, this past week there was a woman that our bible study (Do you think I'm beautiful) mentioned:

The Church Lady.

Read closely the description of this woman:

"The church lady has a good heart. She is drawn to God and wants to serve Him out of gratitude. She wants to learn more about the One who has saved her. It's just that over time, more serving and more learning may become a checklist or a substitute for a deeper passion.....a doing instead of a becoming."

My heart stung when I read that.

Because, my friends, that is exactly who I have become. A doing-something for God rather than becoming-something for God. And for the past six months or so, I have felt like I was dying on the inside when the Lord showed us that our church home would be no more, I freaked. Because, church and "doing" church....that was all I knew.

I served.....that's what I did. And when there was no one to serve anymore and I was having to be the one served it was like my soul twisted and turned and I felt like I had been laid out to dry.

I have at times been miserable.

But all the while I have sought after the voice of God like never before. And He has told me to just be still....be still. Over and Over. To stop trying to jump into something new and let it fall from Him. That it's ok to say "no" and that if one door closes, it's for a divine purpose.

See, I think there are two types of women in the Christian community. Those that "make" God happen. And those that "wait" for God to happen. I have been both. And I think the "church lady" tends to fall into the category of "make it".

During this time the Lord has revealed so many things about who I thought I was. There were good things but there were also a lot of bad things. And this past Sunday I sat in a service where communion was held. It's been a long time since I had taken communion and to be honest, I had forgotten the way the effect that communion has on me. The humble pastor stood before his congregation and asked them to do like he was...examine our hearts.

Examining the heart, it's not easy. And it hurts. But the Lord showed me that the more I try to "make" Him put us in a church or "make" Him show me why all that has happened has or "make" Him move me to the next place...the more I am exactly that, The Church Lady.

I don't want to be her. I really don't. And I may constantly have to fight her off for the rest of my life. But I don't have this whole thing figured out and I probably never will. My faith, like yours...it's a process. It's a journey.

I have peace that I've never experienced before. I have an unexplainable joy that for example, if that book proposal I just poured my life into is rejected, then it will be ok. And if I never get asked to speak somewhere again, it will be ok. And even if I never become all I dream of being, it's ok. Because my passion has changed, and it's all about Him...all about Him.

Angela Thomas may never know what these closing words that she shared this week have changed my life. Forever.

"I pray that you are feeing the powerful tug of the Holy Spirit. That you sense God calling you toward becoming and balancing the call with all the doing that can so easily distract. May you desire the passionate life above all else."