Friday, January 09, 2009

Breathe

I'm so sorry I haven't been writing on this blog and visiting your blogs as much as I normally do.

Part of it is because my computer is just so slow right now and for the love,... I just don't have the patience to sit here and deal with it!

This week the enemy has had me right where he wants me. Busy and tired.

When I put those two things together by Friday, there's just not a whole lot left!

This week I've had one who we found out needs braces, one with bronchitis, one needing this and one needing that. A leaky roof, triple coupons and another potty training drop out! Back to school, Back to work, Back to Gems, Back to bible study and on to new ministry opportunities.

All of which is exciting and brings joy to my soul (except the sick, leaky roof and potty training and oh yes the braces), but....whew, this morning, I just need to breathe.

Ever feel this way?

I've had so many of you e-mail me or leave me comments or call and just let me know you're praying for our decision right now about school for the girls. Thank you. It's meant so much to me.

As of right now, I still don't know what's going to happen. I know this much for sure, they are most likely not going back to their Christian school unless the Lord suddenly drops a huge amount of money into our laps......which He could, but I don't know if He will!

I'm beginning to think the Lord might be asking me to do the unthinkable for me... home school.

And please don't anyone take this offensive....I have just never seen myself in this role. The thought alone makes my chest swell up and makes it very hard to breathe.

I have indeed entertained the thought of homeschooling, several times, but only to cast it out VERY QUICKLY during the next episode of "You are the meanest mommy EEEEEVVVVEEEEERRRR."

While I've been asking friends why they have chosen home school I quite often hear this common theme......."I just want to be with my kids!!"

Ahem. (blushing cheeks)

I love my girls.......but, I also love being away from them!

Please of please find the humor in this, because this is all I can do is laugh.

I am not organized, I am not patient, I am not happy being at home all the time, I am a on the go momma, I don't like fighting, I don't like dealing with messes from projects.......and oh ya, I like my space. Why oh WHY would the Lord ask me to do this???!!!

But wait! Before you start going "GEESH what kinda momma are you?!!" Hear me out!

The Lord lead me to this verse as I've been praying over this:

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -fruit that will last. " -John 15:16

As I've thought about what a blur this year has been because I've been so busy.....my heart sank. It's not ministry that's making me feel overwhelmed...... it's working,trying to keep things up at home, dealing with homework, tired girls and still trying to be "me".........there hasn't been a lot of fruit in this home lately, I will be honest.

And definitely nothing that is worthy of lasting!

I love my girls and I want what's best for them, always. What mother doesn't?

And just between you and I, I never thought God would ask me to take them out of their school and do this. NEVER. Hear me say it again.....NEVER.

I mean, I always admired moms who made this choice, I just thought it was for "special" moms. Those who this motherhood thing just comes "naturally" for. Not those like me who have to WORK at being a mom!!

Reading this verse in John, I hear God speaking to me and saying, "Will you obey at all costs?"

I don't know Lord.......will I?

When God has told me to "do" before, I have obeyed.......at all costs.

Why is this so hard? Why is being a mom so hard for me?

I don't know.

I think to so much that we all struggle with, God doesn't always have a black or white answer for us.

More to come on these steps of obedience......God is still "working this out" in my soul!!

Seeking to find Him in every step,
~Nicki

15 comments:

Michelle said...

Hey Nicki. I too had the same reaction that you did when God first told me to home school. BUT...I am surviving and with God's help I am learning to be the "home school mom" that he has called me to be. I am not creative and I have to MAKE myself do crafts with them. It is rewarding in the end.
I do believe that homeschooling is not for everyone. I think that only God can call us to do this. And if He is calling you, He will give you everything you need to do it.
Praying for wisdom for you and your hubby and know that I am here, and I am sure are lots of other homeschool moms, for you to talk to!

Rebecca Jo said...

From an outsider looking in - I just pray that you not keep thinking too deeply about it - just feel what God wants you to do & trust his faithfulness in it! You can make yourself nuts over it, when God just wants to give you peace & move you forward!

On Purpose said...

Nicki I am praying for you, and I know that you are seeking Him with your heart...and so I KNOW you will find Him! I am celebrating the fruit that will come from this journey!

JenB said...

Ok,first take a deep breath. Second take all the homeschool moms you know and take them out of the "special" category. All those things you say you are (impatient, don't like projects/mess, like my space), I am. And I do like being away from my kids sometimes. Everybody needs a break, especially when they are young. I'm obeying a calling and you know about that. Call me and come over soon. :)

ValleyGirl said...

Oh, Nicki, you and I are so alike, it's scary!! When I hear you talk about motherhood, it's like looking in the mirror. I've toyed with the idea of homeschooling for a year or so now, too, but I think I've decided I'm just not motivated enough and because hubby's often gone during the week, I NEVER get kid-free time.

I NEED me some quality kid-free time!!!

There are definite perks to homeschooling though. I think it's great you're seriously considering it.

Rachel Olsen said...

Hi Nikki. I totally understand where you are coming from and I will pray for you to have clarity and peace. You can homeshcool - espeically if that is what God is calling you to do for a season. He never calls us, and then leaves us hanging. He calls us, and equips us, and empowers us.

I homeschooled my two for about five years. While I'm a teacher at heart, I'm a UNIVERSITY teacher at heart. We don't do crafts at college, nor do my college students leave toys scattered about my entry way. :) So those parts of it were hard for me. However, our time homeschooling was really benefical for our family and I'm glad I did it.

I know God will lead you to the best decision for your family, whatever that may be.

The Patterson 5 said...

Praying for you as you are taking your deep breathes. May the Lord make crystal clear the path He longs to take you and your family on.

Kay Martin said...

Yes you titled this well: Breathe. Take a deep breath and wait on the Lord. After having the honor of hearing you speak at She Speaks I lean toward the home schooling, but I can only imagine the workload that is involved.

Trust the Lord and journal all that comes to you and keep up with the pros and cons may be helpful for you to know our Father's will for you and yours.

I will be praying for you to "hear" and know the perfect will of God: then all is well.

Love you so,
Kay

Jennifer said...

If homeschooling is what God has for you - you know He will give you the peace about it and you won't have to go into kicking and screaming (or hyperventilating!) Its not for everyone...

But if you do find it is what He has planned for you, He will equip you and provide EVERY thing you need to do what He's asked! Another adventure with your Savior!!

Praying His perfect will becomes plain (soon). Take care

Jennifer said...

If homeschooling is what God has for you - you know He will give you the peace about it and you won't have to go into kicking and screaming (or hyperventilating!) Its not for everyone...

But if you do find it is what He has planned for you, He will equip you and provide EVERY thing you need to do what He's asked! Another adventure with your Savior!!

Praying His perfect will becomes plain (soon). Take care

Joyful said...

Sweet, sweet Nicki...breathe! I gave a mug to a girlfriend at Christmas that said on it - "Just Breathe". Sometimes we do need to be reminded to do just that.

Also, you do sound overwhelmed and busy! Have you ever heard the acronym for busy: Burdened Under Satan's Yoke. He wants to overwhelm us, but God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.

Thirdly, do you ever read Renee Swope's blog? She had a wonderful post today about the weariness and inadequacies that Mom's feel. Check out her post today at: http://reneeswope.blogspot.com/2009/01/you-are-not-alone.html

Finally, if you're just feeling like you need a good laugh, come on over and read about my dinner disaster. I can guarantee you'll leave with a smile on your face!

Praying for you my friend. May the Breath of heaven fall fresh on you.

Love and hugs,
Joy

Mommy Mary said...

God knows that you are a special mom, no one is perfect, and if he didn't think you were capable of doing it, then he wouldn't be putting it on your heart.

Valarie said...

Girl. The Lord has us in the same boat. I'm not considering home schooling all of mine, but Chase is getting ready to go to Middle School and the one he has to go to...well, it just ain't gonna happen! I've always said that the Lord would have to hit me with a tree to get me to home school and I believe I hear His ax being sharpened!
I'm praying for you so will you pray for me too?!
Love ya girl.
V

Cindy said...

When God asked me to homeschool many years ago I felt the same way.

One day on my knees at the end of my bed God showed me Jesus carrying His cross up that hill and said to me: This is the cross I've called you to carry.
It worked and we all survived.

When you do what you believe God has called you to do - it will be the greatest fruit bearing mission you have ever been on.

Remember that homeschooling looks different to each family. Don't put yourself into a box. Explore all the options, styles and freedoms that homeschooling give.
You will reap rich rewards if that is what God wants you to do.

Blessings and I will continue to pray.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nicki,
I am a member at North and know what a great school that is and also there are some great homeschool families here. I know a couple of kids who did K-12.

I just want to share my experience with 4 public neighborhood schools. I have a 14yr old girl and 7 yr old boy. At times public has not been my first choice but overall it has been good. We have had good teachers and even stuff that I don't agree with has given us a chance to discuss things and pray and be a good influence to kids, neighbors and help the teacher in class. I'm not good with explaining things... the way God has strengthened my kids (and me).
I recently have been convicted that Sunday school is not cutting it and I should be doing a lot more teaching.....so in any situation I need to do a lot of parenting.

Please visit your local school and just gather information. God knows where he wants your family and He will lead you!!! I'm sure.

I'm praying for you too.

Susan