Friday, August 08, 2008

Do I really want that?

"Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts, See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-24

When we ask God to search us, to test us and to see our anxious thoughts like this verse says, do we really want to know what He says?

And then, we ask God if there is anything "offensive" about us, do we really want to know that too?

The past few nights the Lord has had me up very late with Him. Perhaps it's because the day is just filled with to much noise and clutter between three busy girls. Maybe it's because my quiet times haven't been very "quiet".

More like, "Girls! SHHHH, please!"

I don't believe God ever delays in showing us our offensive ways or anxious thoughts! I believe He is very swift in this area!

Through this bible study, "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?", I've really come to know a great deal about myself, good and bad.

I've learned what I truly fear. What I truly know. And what I truly think I know.

And I can assure you that what I think I's not what I know at all.

My heart has been on this roller coaster of emotions the past few weeks. One minute I'm totally loving this position God has placed me in of teaching this class, the next minute, I'm totally hating it.

You see, I'd love to just sit and squirm in my seat, because all of this just truly hits way to close to home for me. Especially where I am at in my life today.

Never, and I mean never, have I been more anxious about my child.

I've always been the momma who gave her child a sucker at 9 months old, let's the two year old carry around a pack of gum in her purse to keep her quiet. And change a diaper? Only when it stinks. Fruits or vegetables first? How about cookies? Allergies? Well, we'll know if she breaks out in a rash. Honey, she fell out of the crib! I guess it's really time to lower it!

"LBM". A little to laid back momma would be the syndrome I have had.

But when a doctor tells you that there's something wrong with your girly??? (tears) (and if you don't know what I'm referring to see
this post)

Makes you wish all those days away. Makes you wish you'd pay every bit of attention to every little detail, hurt and cry. Makes you wish you did everything by the books, whether it would have made a difference or not.

It's in these moments...fear comes running out.

But please keep reading! Don't stop at those thoughts of mine!

It's good that God allows us to see the fears we have in our souls. It's good to bring out the yuck to the surface. Why?

Because then and only then can God make anything beautiful of the situation.

God knew, months ago that when one of my best friends would bring this bible study book to me and for God to tell her that this was what was supposed to happen next in our lives...He knew! He Knew everything I would be going through this week and the week's prior to this.

He knew about every woman in this class who would be battling affairs, broken marriages, divorce, financial troubles, friendships gone wrong, deaths, alcoholism and life changing situations...He knew it all!

And He knew because, "For Such A Time As This".

This is our time!

The last part of this verse says this, "and lead me in the way everlasting."

Do you see what that means?

Keep me true! Keep me pure! Keep my eyes on You God!

Because ultimately...that, and only that is the only thing that will last forever! Everlasting life.

That is where I will find my peace. That is where I find my joy. That is where I will become a dangerous woman for God. A dangerous woman does not live in fear, she lives in the hope of everlasting life. Jesus.

Dearest God,

You have revealed to me how fearful I am. I tend to push my fears aside and be brave, but in these quiet moments you have shown me my fears. Thank you for searching me, testing me and knowing each and every one of my anxious thoughts.

I know that you bring all this yuck out for a reason. And that reason is because this is the time. You are ready to rock 'n roll in my life and fear has been playing the music to loud.

I trust you, I love you, I praise you for what you've done in my life and every single one of these women's lives in this bible study. I praise you for the life changing heart you are giving me day by day in these words.

Keep working it out God! I'm listening.

Always your girl,

*PS-taking a blogging break for a few days, maybe a week, got lot's going on. Know that I love ya!


Kay Martin said...

Blessed Nicki,

Why children have illnesses or ever hurt is baffling. A mother's heart is one of God's greatest miracles. Your tenderness and love of your children has blessed me from the first time I heard you speak.

AS I read your honest words I first want to thank you. When we get "real" we help one another with "those thoughts" that come to all of our minds. When Christians always wear their best face we can presume that we are the only one having thoughts of fear.

In your compassion and contemplation know that the enemy is wanting to weaken you. He does not want you to praise God in sacrifice while you are walking this out with your daughter. Remember the scripture that God inhabits the praises of His people? The strategy of this battle is to get you to stop praising God.

There is no guilt or condemnation. I am that more relaxed mom and wife also. When trouble would come the enemy would have me take responsibility that was not mine. My prayer for you is that you simplify your life while your daughter goes through these tests and procedures that your praise and focus cannot be interrupted.

Peace*Love*Hope*Faith*Joy...fill her Lord. Nicki, I also pray for God to give you laughter. When our daughter was at her most serious point with her brain tumors I prayed for us to laugh much. The medical community knows that laughter....the belly shaking beneficial to our entire body.

Sometimes when we remember that tough time all we can recall are the hysterically funny moments that we laughed until we cried.

I love you so. This post has hugs and love weaving through and around every word.

Hope said...

I'm so thankful that He changes our paralyzing fear into perfect peace. I will be praying for your beautiful daughter (and you!)

By the way, I started reading your blog with your She Speaks posts. I have four daughters (one in heaven, 5, 4, and 2), so I've enjoyed a little "bloggy bonding" in mothering three girls together! Keep writing!

On Purpose said...

"The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace"

Numbers 6:24-26

MelanieJoy said...

praying for you guys.....

Amy L Brooke said...

I will keep praying!

God is the great physician. I know how much you love Hopie, and it is hard to imagine that God loves her even more. He does. He wants to do something.

I will keep praying.

Sharon Brumfield said...

First, Know that I love you. And my heart is so tender toward your situation.
Keep pouring it out girl.....He knows we are but dust. Dust that He can mold. :)
I will be praying..keep us up to date. I am glad that you don't feel like you have to play strong with us.
One day a woman may stand in your shoes and she will remember how you walked through this truthfully and with the Lord at your side.

MiMi said...

Praying for you and your family! Missed seeing you in the hallway this morning.

Sharon Brumfield said...

I think you might want to come and see my post for today!

Van said...

Going to bed tonight and praying to live in the hope of everlasing life... tomorrow is a new day to be the girl God wants me to be. Thanks for the reminder and encourager post!

God's Princess said...

Yes, have total trust and faith in out wonderful Creator who loves us so dearly. It's a never-ending journey isn't it! I really enjoyed reading your post.

God bless :-)