Friday, January 18, 2008

Unthinkable things.......unshakable faith

I'm so uneasy as I write this post this morning. Do I say it or not? That has been the question that has rung in my heart this morning as I prepared to share with you what the Lord has done in me over the past few days.

Something unthinkable happened at work yesterday, for those of you who don't know what I do, I am the newborn photographer at a hospital locally. I have absolutely LOVED my job and have done very well since it's a commission based job. But yesterday, my whole day was just a mess.........we had snow, I thought the girls wouldn't have school since public schools were out, but of course their school does everything "different". Kris and I had rearranged our day so that he would go into work early, and I would go in later that day at around 1:00......oh how I wish things had stuck that way.

He called me at 6am to inform me that the girls did have I rushed them all and myself to get to work by 9am. It was a very rushed morning........thoughts of the BIG tree that had fallen in our yard from the snow God had totally protected our house from it. My mom's new job and the fact that they could be moving.......Kennedy's temper tantrums.....icy roads......these were all the thoughts that filled my head as I drove to work yesterday morning. I had not had a quite time.....and I felt the Lord calling me to my knees. So I prayed in my car as I often do, but the Lord was telling me to be prepared. And prepared I was not........

It was a busy morning, as it typically is there. Everything was completely normal until a huge mistake was made on my company's part in one little bit of information that they had forgotten to train me about. A list is how we make our first visits to families. But for some reason, I didn't understand one particular name. I called into the room........and at hello, I knew something wasn't quite right but I wasn't sure. Devastated, broken, shattered and completely shaken is how both of us had left the conversation, I apologized and apologized and apologized....I'm sure without me explaining you can figure out why. I hung up the phone, and immediately began to sob.......and sob.......and sob. And then I began to pray and pray and pray for this family. It was the worst moment of my life. Grief overcame me and it didn't stop. I called my boss, and knowing something was not right, right away, I explained to him what had happened and how this should not have happened had I been trained properly. He explained to me that the list was a mistake that morning.......something they had never come across before.

Not wanting to hear his excuses, I politely said.......this isn't about a list, it's a person, a person's who's life I just made worse because this company is to busy to train me. I have been "officially" trained ONE DAY.......the rest, was left up to me to figure out completely on my own. And I've done ok, a few mistakes in paper work here and there for overall.......everything has been ok. Since this situation had me completely devastated, I took a good hour to recover and although I was assured it was not my fault by several people.........I was not ok with that. I tried as hard as I could to put on my smile and continue on with my day and my appointments but hard wouldn't be the word I would use to describe that. Thoughts of this conversation rang in my head all day...........the Lord has blessed me with some very good friends and one, who I know reads this blog......she was my God-Send yesterday. I knew I could call her and she would totally be there for me. Thank you girl.......I love you so much. Since Kris was bringing Hope and Kennedy home for me, she ever so kindly picked up Taylor from school for me so I could work longer to finish up everything.

The day continued with more heartache as I was in another room and the woman was brought to tears as I did my presentation for her.......she had no money, she had three kids and her husband had just left her......she was alone........another room, I held a miracle baby, she was three pounds........sweetest thing I've ever seen.........the dad wanted nothing to do with her. The day just was......not uplifting. I cried out to my Lord on the way home........"Why? Why is it, I finally find something I LOVE to do......and now this?" The Lord brought to my heart the song, "The warrior is a child"...........I felt like I had left a battle yesterday, broken, weary and shattered.

As I turned down my street to come home.........home..........I was coming home. Tears flooded my eyes as I past all the familiar houses I see daily, but today they were different. They were all covered with white snow.........and the Lord spoke to me and said, "And even through this........I will cover you"..........I had never been so happy, so relieved to be home. Realizing how absolutely blessed I am, guilt overcame me..........My chaos met me at the door with three girly's who needed this and that and a wonderful husband who was putting in our new kitchen floors..........I had to quickly switch gears from "warrior" to "momma" and it was was very hard. Tears filled my eyes pretty much the rest of the night. I just felt so bad..........

I have a very tender heart for those who long for someone or something.......for those who have been devastated by tragic things of life. But I have a hard time, switching back to "regular" life knowing there are those around me, some so close........who hurt and I know that all you can really do in situations like this is to say I am sorry and to pray, pray, pray, pray. We want to carry those burdens and we should but we have to surrender it to Him.

The Lord showed me three things this morning through all of this. One, my faith has to be unshakable........I have to trust Him, knowing that there is a reason for every good and bad thing I experience in this life. He didn't tell me this journey was going to be easy........but He did tell me to "Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 12:28. And sometimes........we just need to find our rest in Him. When we replay things, and replay them and do the "shoulda", "coulda", "woulda"........there's no good in that. And I'm the guiltiest of them all for that. My Pastor calls it the "Peter Pan syndrome".

The second thing the Lord showed me is that I am here on this earth to love everyone. He has given me this tender heart for a reason, and I will embrace it and not push it aside as "hormones" or things that are not "real". I have been this way my whole life......I remember as a child one of the first movies I ever went to the movies to see was BENJI.....and I remember at the age of four, crying my eyes out for that dog. (I mean no humor in this) It's just who God made me.

The third thing God showed me was home is a sanctuary from the battle. Since it had been so long for me to have had a day like this anywhere but at home. I mean, I have had "bad days" but nothing that compared to that.........but I thought about Kris and the battles he must face each day, small or big and how he comes home........and this is his resting place, his sanctuary, his peace from the storms of life. I thought about my girls......the things they face at school that they never tell me they must feel when they come home. And that is what a home should be.........a shelter from the storm. And I guess what I realized is, this whole world is one big storm........the battles are many.

So, I pray you feel my heart as you read this today.........It was hard for me to post this. But I know that God requires us to be real.......through it all. On another note........please pop over to Leigh's Blog, on my sidebar, and leave her a hello today! She's doing something incredible over there today!! I love you all so much, thank you, thank you for all your encouraging words. I'm so glad to meet new readers of this blog!!! Have a blessed day.


Leigh Gray said...

Wow Nicki - to me it is so obvious why he has you there at work. And maybe just maybe you had to see the pure devastation to help others truly realize the blessing they have been holding for only a few short hours!! You are so blessed my friend. I know He is so proud of your heart - using it just the way He made you!! He thought enough of you to give you this challenge and you are doing wonderful!! wow friend - you are blessed!!

nanatrish said...

Nicki, I read your blog and just wanted to give you a hug and cry with you. My job is dealing with death on a daily basis and it does get heavy. As I have told you I manage an agency that recovers eyes when people pass away and we process them for corneal transplants. It is very challenging to know that every day all of our patients died, but the good part is that it is helping someone to see. Since I am the manager I get all the family calls and people want to talk about their loved ones. I thank God He gives me the strength to do it. I believe He put you in your position to be a blessing to people and at a time of their life that is very emotional. You can show His love and be like an angel. Our pastor prays a prayer for us that says,"Help us not to pray for easier tasks, but the strength to do the tasks before us." Although I have never met you and I am old enough to be your mother I feel a kinship with you. God has given you a tender heart for a special reason and you are blessed. Many people are hard-hearted and have so many layers of pain. Thank you for sharing this today. Love ya, Trish

Sharon said...

Wow did this touch me. Seems as if we have both been going through some instructional time of testing.
I think you might enjoy seeing where I have been in my testing and it might give you a neat perspective on what you are going through.
When you have time please come and read my latest post.
It was rough for me to post--I posted it the other day and then took it off--God told me to put it back up with a few more details.

Kellan said...

This was a beautifully honest post and I appreciate your sharing it with us. I am so sad for the families that you mentioned and for your having to have gone through the pain the situation caused you. I'm glad you have such a strong faith in God - he serves you well. Take care. Kellan

Nicki said...

Hey ya'll.......thank you each so much for your words of encouragaments.

Leigh- You are so right to say it's a challenge......and he gave it to me...I never looked at it that way!!

Trish- WOW! I didn't realize that's what you meant when you said you helped people to see!! That's amazing!!! You do have to deal with difficult situations, wow. Death is very real to you and I'm quite sure it is a tough job at times. I loved the "....strength to do the tasks before us." Amen!!

Sharon- Yes oh yes it it a time of instructional teaching for us both!!

Kellan- Thanks girl!