Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Making a marriage grow

What a great but busy Christmas we had! The girls ALL slept in today so I did as well, this isn't something I get to do all the time, so I feel great!! There is MUCH mess to be cleaned up and so many things to be put away, but they can all wait!

The girls are always so blessed on Christmas. They have two sets of grandparents who spoil them rotten, so it always helps Santa's wallet! =) Normally, Kris and I don't really buy each other things. In fact what we normally do is, we each get $10 and head to the dollar store and see what fun things we can come up with! We always do our gifts alone, normally so we can just laugh our heads off w/o the girly's around! But this hubby was a little sneaky! Christmas Eve morning, I was putting some clothes away getting ready to go to his parents house and I came out by the tree and noticed a big box with my name on it! I was since I can't STAND surprises or the anticipation of the surprise, I told him I wanted to open it right then!

He said, I tore the pretty paper, my heart was a BEAUTIFUL crystal pewter chandelier for our bedroom, something I had said so long ago that I wanted!! He remembered!! =) Since my hubby is an electrician, which comes in very handy =), he put it up right away and I LOVE IT!!! Now, I would take a picture and put it on here and I will.....very soon. However, there are just a few more things I need to get for our room and it will finally be finished! I plan on getting that done over the next few days and then I'll post a final "I'm DONE" with a room picture. As of right now there really isn't one room, besides Kennedy's that's completely done in this house! So, this will be HUGE!!! I'm so excited! I have to be careful because I get a little decorating happy every once in awhile and gotta watch the budget!

Last Friday night, Kris's mom kept the girl's for us and we were able to go and spend some time together and do some shopping. This is leading me into my post title today.........I realized that Kris and I do not spend nearly enough time together and it really starts to wear and tear on us. We are going to have to make an effort to get a babysitter and really focus on date nights at least twice a month. As I've continued reading "Seven Life Principles For Every Woman", I just have found how important this time is for a marriage to grow.

My biggest fear is always that when Kennedy graduates and leaves the "nest" that Kris and I will look at each other and say, "Who are you?". Yes, we have to pour our lives into these little girls to help them to grow physically and spiritually but if we don't nurture our lives together, then there will be nothing left after they are grown and gone. While Kris and I were on our "date night" we got into the discussion of our house. You see, although Kris LOVES this little house, I have had a hard time getting everything to fit "just right" in it. It's hard to go from 2600 sq ft to 1400 sq ft! It's hard to go from a new house with a two car garage and big NO TREES back yard to a no garage house and so many trees that I don't know what to do with myself out there with those leaves STILL.(I have NEVER seen so many leaves in MY LIFE, and I'm so not kidding!) I've had a lot of heart issues that God has been dealing with me on with this house.

You see, I totally saw God's hands upon this house, I knew this was the one He wanted for us. And I saw it through Kris's heart.........His obedience to our finances and to a practical way of thinking. I have always told Kris that I thought we should stay here for two years (and had even begun a countdown in my mind) and fix it up to sell it to make our profit off of the house. HE however did not have this vision and gently reminded me of it on our date night. At first, I was mad, I was rude, and I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. But as I realized that this was a heart issue with me.........I prayed that God would allow me to see things the way Kris does.

This is principle #2 in the book.........."Love, Honor and Respect your husband". It is not respectful of me to have a hidden agenda with our home!!! Yes, I want that big white house with columns up to the sky and a huge Kitchen to die for and a pool in the backyard...........but is it really practical for me to think that we would be able to afford that type of home AND send all THREE of our girl's to a private school??? Now I know there are many people who read this blog that send their kids to public school.........and I'm not saying ANYTHING about that...........that's not what this is about, Kris and I both feel that the Lord has told us very clearly that our girl's are to remain there and that He will provide. But with that provision comes an act of obedience on our part........not over spending, not investing in frivolous "things", tithe, giving and truly making a budget of the money He gives to us each month. This is NOT easy...........for me.

You see, I too got caught up in the "but the girls need this, and they gotta do this and that." And Yes, I totally think our girls need to be involved in things BUT, I am not willing to shame my husband into making him feel bad if they don't do those things.........This year, they have done NOTHING. Taylor did choir at our church, but that's it. This is HUGE from going from, cheer leading, dance, ice-skating and acting classes and trips to the Y for exercise class, swim lessons........the list goes on and on. Kris does not posses leader qualities "naturally" fact it's very difficult for him to take the lead in any situation. But what I realized from our little "chat" is that I really don't make it any easier on him to be ABLE to be a leader? Because after all..........he hasn't thought about "A, B and C". Hmmmmmm, ouch! Conviction has set it!!! As my Kennyboo would say,"EWEEEEEE".

This was a powerful list, listed on a page of this chapter of the book:

Do we Do we
Respect or Show contempt
Reverence or Dishonor
Notice or Ignore
Regard or Disregard
Honor or Humiliate
Prefer or Exclude
Venerate or Belittle
Esteem or Mock
Defer or Usurp
Praise or Criticize
Love or Hate
Admire or Ridicule

I know as women.......especially my generation......we have a hard time letting our men lead. I don't know why this.......I think it's partially because there's are so many new pressures on women to work, have the cleanest home, well behaved kids and look amazing all at the same time........that perhaps we don't have "time" to mess with the fussiness that comes with an act of patience to allow our men to make a sound, correct decision. We've got to know NOW, because there are 15 things that follow through our decision........there's just no time! So we take the chains and lead the way!

However, this leads to a huge problem.........this is not the way God intended for our marriages. As much as it hurts to say this, I have been very guilty of taking the lead and the decisions (like our house) that I do allow Kris to make......I end up pretty miserable, because this is NOT THE WAY I would've done it! But, again, this isn't an issue with Kris, my marriage or our life-style......this is a heart issue with ME. So once again........praying that God would set me free and LET ME LET Kris be a leader...........ouchy, ouchy.

So ok........I LOVE to hear your thoughts, good or bad on this!!

Ok, off to make some sense outta my house today! Thank goodness it's raining!! PRAISE GOD!!! It also keeps me at home and INSIDE!!! =) Have a blessed AWESOME day!!

Walking by Faith and never by sight,


Neva said...

I am with you, Nicki. My first husband was not a leader and when he was alive, I often took the leadership role, sometimes because he refused but most times because I wouldn't let him. After he died and the position of leader was correctly mine, I realized how difficult it was. The decisions I made big or small affected two sons and a foster son--they could have a huge impact or a small one but they were all mine to make and each one mattered. I realized that sometimes when I thought Eddy was just refusing to make decisions and lead, he was really thinking about them trying not to make impulsive and bad decisions. Instead he was thrust into making the best of all the impulsive ones I made. Once I realized that and repented, I vowed I would learn from those mistakes. I pray about those control issues all the time and it has become much easier to let my new husband lead me. I am not always good at it but I try to remind myself that when I assume his role without his permission, I am demeaning him and showing him that I dont trust him to make good choices. I would never want him to feel that way!
So please pray for me and I will pray for you and together we can come become the kind of godly wives that please God and the kind our husbands deserve.

Sharon said...

This all has been a huge issue in my life lately.
Letting Keith learn how to lead.
I see what needs to be done and think of what needs to be done to achieve what needs to be done......ugh!
I am living in a house that is not mine. The rent is being paid by my father in law who we are taking care of. He is old and he has cancer. When the time comes we will have to leave.
Where will we go?
And yet God says be still.
Wait. Don't push.
I feel like a dog on a leash that is ready to run. Cat in sight, tail wagging, tongue hanging out..panting.
I am still learning. But I know that each circumstance in life is a learning experience.Will I learn and will I let him learn?
I pray the answer to this is YES.

Nicki said...

Neva, you are so full of wisdom and insight that I so enjoy. Thank you for sharing your heart and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this!

I could definately relate to how you described this!! =) I always enjoy your thoughts and also I'm glad to hear another person along the same road I am! BE's NOT FUN when we are GO GO girls!!

Praying for you both! Thanks so much!

Leigh Gray said...

ok - i want to see a picture of the chandelier or however you spell it!!!


Pastor Lisa said...

You will be married for many years to come because you're willing to be honest with yourself about yourself. And truth is, we sometimes make it real difficult for our husbands.Lord knows we can be a handful.

Congrats for being willing to do the hard work it takes. It's always so hard to tell our ownselves NO!