Saturday, December 29, 2007

Feeling Disconnected

Do you ever find yourself getting so busy that you feel disconnected from the world around you? That's how I feel this morning. I HAD to make a huge effort to get up extra early (since these girl's keep beating me up) and truly spend some time just soaking up the Lord. I have a theme in my life..........either super slow, or super busy. I seem to have a hard time finding a common ground to stand day after day. It seems some days I'm all caught up on everything or other days I have mounds of everything to do and no energy or time to accomplish anything!

So, I haven't blogged in a few days, just trying to think about where I want to see this blog go. You see, as of right now, this is it for me.....this (besides friends) is the only way I connect spiritually with anyone on some days, a way to speak my heart to other's. I'm not quite sure this is the way the Lord intends it to be or not but until He allows bigger things to come into play, what's a girl to do?........after all there are no commands such as "Thou shall not blog on Sundays or Thou shall only blog about the bible." Hmmm......Lord, let's see where you're going with this! Not starting my bible study this year was the biggest mistake I've made all year.....and boy oh boy did I have some good excuses. But hopefully in March, or sooner, things will be a go at church for this new bible study!! I absolutely cannot wait!!!

As I've been asking God to make me a better wife and a mother, there's a lotta gunk that comes with that! There's a lot that God requires from me.......like not spending two hours on the phone with someone or jumping from blog to blog during the day or consistently checking e-mails because SOMEONE MIGHT NEED SOMETHING!!! You know........some people may find it "fun" to sit down and play tea party day after day or paint toenails for the second time in one day or to "fix" this or that..........but I have to be honest, I enjoy my personal time a great deal, and since I feel that my personal time is few and far between........this leads to a great conflict as a mom.........I don't like to "play".

After all.........who has time to play when there are endless loads of laundry to do, dishes in the sink, play dough stuck to the floor, makeup on cheeks that isn't supposed to be there, diapers to change, potty's to introduce, fights to break up and belly's that need to be made full? But, the Lord has done a great deal of "molding" me the past few weeks. I've seen some things in my girl's that has truly opened my eyes to the momma I am not..........such as......the Kennyboo as the she THROWS her babies around the room in frustration (no, I don't throw my children!).......I thought, you know, I've never sat down and taught her how to swaddle her baby or give it it's bottle........I feel like Kennedy has missed out on so much because her momma has "to much to do".

Or how many times Hopie has said, "I can't do that because it's going to make a mess........" YES, that child is THE MESSIEST girl in town.......but am I hindering her ability's to create and make things beautiful in her eyes simply because I don't want to clean up another mess?? And then there's Taylor...........the fact that she told me she only wants to have TWO CHILDREN when she grows up because three is to much to handle! Oh Lord........this stuff is harder than I EVER imagined.

I just thought I'd have my three girls, they'd all wear my hair bows without fusses and they'd match everyday (because they'd want to) and we'd play "house" and the house would stay CLEAN and the laundry would stay DONE and the daddy would be HAPPY and God would just "provide" and oh my........life would just be all PEACHY. But here I am.........my youngest about to turn two........my middle one getting ready to head off into the "real world" of kindergarten and my oldest thinking she has to be 25 next week and MUST have a degree from DUKE to be anything in this world............(that's her daddy, not me.) Lord.......what am I doing???

Feeling disconnected..........yes, that's where my heart is today. Not in a bad way either, I think that God has to break us down.......and open our eyes to see.........to build us back up. Thank goodness I'm noticing these things now........but, it's one thing to notice, it's another thing to actually "do something" about it. So, with it almost being New Year's and all.......I'm re-thinking this blog and what it should really be. Daily encouragement for you and for me. I believe that one of our greatest faults in life is to deny.....Deny our failures, Deny our Lord, Deny ourselves of all that God wants us to be. Yes, I may just need a "vent" session every once in a while, but, I'm seriously going to make an effort for this blog to be a tool.........rather than just something for you to read to know all about my life and what's going on!

Ok, with all this being said.......I'm off to start some laundry and cook these girls some pancakes..........

2 comments:

Leigh Gray said...

disconnected - that is the word for me right now... i will be praying for you and please do the same for me right now. thanks friend. It has just an absolute privilege to get to know you better through blogging - now that i have moved away. go firgure!!! I could just kick myslef!!

love you friend!!

Leigh

Nicki said...

Thank you Leigh.......I'm kinda glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way at this time of year! You know we're supposed to be all "full" and stuff! =) I wish we would've connected more to when you were around here! But, thank goodness for blogging! Love you too!