Sunday, November 25, 2007

Am I ready?

Well, it's a rare late Sunday morning, we went to 8:00 service so Kris could go to the Panther's game today, let's hope they win........for once. =) The girl's are all watching a movie so I have some time to gather my thoughts. It's been a very busy couple of days! Thanksgiving was nice, the girl's had a great time doing their annual Gingerbread house, and even the Kennyboo got involved this year!!

With Kris being home for the past few days, he had himself a big "to do" list.....HIS list, not mine!! But he got so much done around here, new lights in the kitchen!! which I just LOVE, a new toilet (praise God!), getting all the Christmas stuff down and setting it all up, and taking a big tractor to our jungle of a yard! I'm thankful he gets to go have some "guy" time today, he deserves it!

So, Last night I couldn't sleep.......this is not unusual for me, I often find myself having a hard time falling asleep because it seems as though that's the only time it's quite enough for me to think about anything! NOT good when you're trying to fall asleep. So, I got up and went and spent some time with the Lord. I've had a lot of mixed emotions the past few days.......I'm really trying to discern the voice of God through this journey I'm on. You know, as you start to talk to so many people it gets kinda hard to figure out what is what!

It's not my place to question people's motives or anything like that, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what's behind something someone has said, especially those I consider a "friend". Friendships are hard takes a lot to sometimes "figure" people out!!

I guess I go back to something my mother as I'm sure your mother taught you as well......"Do unto other's as you want them to do unto you." BUT what happens when other's do unto us what we would not and could not do unto them! I guess that's what I'm struggling with today. I've got an e-mail box full of letters to send out to churches to try and get this thing going......but for some reason I just can't send them. Every time I go to press send...I get scared!! Not everyone is all "yay Nicki" about this ministry thing, and I don't expect people to, that's not what I'm looking for! But, even some of the godliest people I know.....I'm really starting to question why they say or even don't say certain things.

I've got a thousand ideas on things I want to do, but no direction in which to go. This urge to speak my heart is becoming more and more real, in fact as I sit here now I wish I was in front of a group of people saying all this!! But for who Lord? Which way do you want me to turn?

I certainly don't think that I'm better than anyone or closer to God than anyone, that isn't my heart at all......and I think sometimes in the body of Christ we take what are other's spiritual gifts and turn them into something they are not. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe it's jealousy, envy, pride or just plain stubbornness. For example, I know someone I would love to ask to help me through this whole process......but I know their pride most likely wouldn't take it the right way.

Like, I wish I could sing like Val......but I could choose to be jealous of the gifts God has given her, or I can come along beside her as she draws me to the throne. Or with Leigh....I could be jealous of the many opportunities she has had with her walk with her ministry or I can come along beside her and learn from her. Or with Lucy......I could be hateful of her sense of humor, deep inside wishing I was able to articulate the way she can or I can laugh my soul off with her reminding me not to take everything so seriously! Or Holly and Sharon.....those women KNOW their scriptures! I could be jealous of their knowledge and the way they can write or I can read and LEARN. Or like Pastor Lisa......(btw, someone told me at church today how much they love her comments on my blog!) =) I could be jealous of her big new house or I can rejoice with her knowing that she is IN the blessing! Or like my Aunt Karen......I could be totally envious of how she can just LOOK at something and make it pretty or I can admit I don't have that gift and use her talents to help me decorate! Ok and I so should mention everyone else's blogs I read and all my friends, but you get the point! I love ALL of you and you know that!!! =)

We all have gifts and's the way God designed us. And when we all come together, amazing things happen!! I teach the babies with a couple in our church who are VERY VERY wealthy and I truly find it amazing that even though their children are grown, they still take the time to serve......because it's where God has lead them. But what I love about them is even though the Lord has blessed them tremendously through finances, they are so down to earth and just nice people. You would never know they were well off by the way they act. But, I'm sure there are people who are jealous of them and what God has given them......just like other's gifts, and they will do anything to knock them down. That's just the way our world is, sad but true.

But you and I.......we can be different, we can be happy for other's and rejoice in the awesome things God is doing in each other's lives!! We can pull one another up....and not pull each other away from what God has told us to do!!! We can be as Paul described us in 1 Thessalonians 2:12 ".....encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who call you into his kingdom and glory." So with all that being said........I'm off to press "send" in my inbox (after I rewrite it all again for the fourth time!!)!!! Although I may not even get a reply back, I will never know the direction God is leading unless I search it out! I know God has called me to share His word, and I know that I'm never going to be "officially" ready! Praying for you and hoping you have a very blessed restful Sunday!!


Lucy said...

I've been going to school since August taking a PCT (patient care technician) class. I can get a job with no problem with just the PCT class, but I can make a little more money and have more job opportunities if I take and pass the nursing assistant certification test. For whatever reason I am SCARED TO DEATH of this test. I kept saying that I would pay the money ($95) and schedule the test (they come here only twice a month from Columbia to test) once I was ready to take and pass the I wasn't going to find an excuse to not be ready....EVER!!!! I said all that to say this......I'm just going to send in the money and make the appointment. Otherwise, I'll never be ready. If I know that the test date is moving closer and closer to me, I'll prepare. Maybe you should go ahead and hit that "send" button and then watch and see what God does with it.

Oh....about that sense of humor only think I'm funny because you're not married to me......and you're not one of my kids. Come stay with me for a week or so and you'll find out just how not funny I am : )

Love you, girl!!!!

Nicki said...

Send that money and make that appointment girl!! You are so right though.....we're never going to be "ready"!! You are to funny!!

ps-I hit "send" ahhhhhh!!! =)

Valarie said...

Girl, I love this post! I'm right there with ya! What's funny is I sit back and look at how beautiful your girls ALWAYS look and say "Man, I wish I could do that like her!" Funny how we women always seem to want what the other one has when God has blessed us with what WE have and He's got bigger and better reasons for it all!!

I'm proud of you for "sending" and don't let Tracy fool you for ONE MINUTE - she IS that funny all the time!!! TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!

Thank you for saying what you did about me singing. I CERTAINLY don't do it for me AT ALL - NEVER EVER - all for Jesus girl! ALL FOR JESUS!!!
Love ya.

Pastor Lisa said...

Wow, we've been studying the gifts of the Spirit and how they are supposed to edify the body...not the individual possessing the gift. We've got it twisted somewhere. Today we talked about love trumping it all.

And funny you mention folk saying stuff out of the sides of their mouth...we have experienced the same thing of late.

Really makes you wonder where people's hearts and minds are.

Be encouraged and glad you hit the send button!

Lisa said...

I know it's easier said than done but let God use you girl. I'll be praying for ya.

Karen said...

Look Nicki, we just have to do on to others what we would want do on to us. Some people can't give in return, their soul hurts,(and that is Gods businesses) and we always have to be ok with that. We give others that gift of Gods Love, which is I think the highest way we (I) glorify God, because when I think we truly glorify God, we do not expect other to do on to us. We already received the gift from God. That is just what I think.

It does not matter what any one thinks, (I so know I have been there, maybe just not in the right way)if you have something to say about God, just say it, its all in the heart anyway. Teach. Teach. Teach. People may smash your ego, but never your soul. That is Gods test, ego or soul, you chose. You have what it takes, (I so know, and you would have to trust me on that)so you will have just do this, and trust God, and forget about the ego.

Live your life in what you think is good, righteous, and obedient to God, in spite of your short comings,and forget about all the people who think differently. I did it for twenty years, the price was heavy, the rewards were great spiritually speaking,but I did it. There will always be people who fight you, but ultimately speaking, we only answer to One in the end, that is only what I thought about. My heart was in the right place, maybe not the right path, and I think that God truly loves me for that. He is really great even when we mess up.

I know one day I will be called again (I hope I get it right the next time around)for the law of God is deep within my heart, and can not be denied. For now I need to learn and do cats (we have a big show this upcoming weekend). however I do know that through out all these crazy years, I will be called, it is just a question of time, when that happens, I will drop what I am doing and serve Him.


Sharon said...

I know what you feel on the inside.I have felt this urgency for awhile now. I know that God is busy cleaning and preparing the vessel that will carry the gifting to the people. I have so much to learn. I feel the fire burning inside and I wonder--how?, when? and what will it look like. I think I know in my mind. We don't need anymore fluff. Women and men are ready to be instructed on what needs to take place for the body to move forward.
We need the meat and not another milk meal.No one needs another pat on the back allowing them to continue to focus on themselves and their past.Time is getting short.
You allow Him to stoke the fire in you. Let it build. Let Him remove all that stands in the way between you and what He needs you to be.
Sometimes the things that people say can seem cruel--but in the end they will be for your benefit.Ministry can be rough. Our hearts must be tender and our skin tough.
So what is up as far as ministry?
Did you do a post I missed?

Leigh Gray said...

HE is ready - press send!!

Love, Leigh