Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Frustrated, HELP ME LORD

You may laugh as you read that post title thinking I'm ready to head to the looney bin......maybe I am =). NO..I've just been having one of those days that nothing is making much sense. Well, first, we had a blast in Virginia and it was all pretty much FREE FREE FREE!! It was so much fun we didn't want to come home. Kennyboo did OK, not great, but OK. Bless her little heart she is so wore out and isn't feeling well today, we had some stomach issues today and she can hardly talk!! Although, it does make me feel bad for her, so she's getting the real "baby" treatment!

Kris and I had a lot of time driving in the car to do some much needed talking (with Nemo on in the back of course!). The bottom line is, I need to work. I need to start heading that direction. With Hope getting ready to start school next year and since we plan on keeping them at Hickory Grove Christian, somethings got to change. But I have to tell you that my heart has been in uproar all day about this.

I was watching some show a while back where some woman was talking about how she and her husband were in the ministry and they just weren't cutting it financially so she began to sell health insurance. Well, she says that she prayed for God to "give her a break", and He did, she now makes $100,000 a year...... Well, about five minutes after we got home from Virginia, I noticed is was awfully chilly in our house so went over to the thermostat and it says a chilly 55! So I flicked on the heat ANNNNNNDDDD.....yep, you guessed it, the heat doesn't work. Hmmm.....so you know where my thoughts have been all day??? "LORD, we moved into this TINY house, close to the church to save money and to be obedient to you and all that has happened since we've moved into this house is bad stuff!!!" It seriously wants to make me cry........"Lord, when do we get our break?" It seems like it's ALWAYS something......the house, the car, sick kids, unexpected bills.....it's always something. And Kris does very well for his profession but, it's just not covering all this "other" stuff, and it's not even FUN "other" stuff.

I once knew someone who swore they never had any money and was always fretting over bills but the next time you'd walk into her house you would discover her "awesome deals" that she just COULD NOT pass up. I am NOT this way, it just doesn't seem fair........ Hmmm...... I know, I'm not in the best mood right now......I guess I'm just frustrated, beyond frustrated. You would think that God would WANT mothers to stay at home, and we've done everything possible to make this happen for two years now. But, here we go......one set back and it totally does us in. We've been faithful, obedient and good stewards, doing everything possible to cut corners. It makes me so sad to know that we have made all of these sacrifices and for what.....I mean y'all we don't even have cable....NONE (well you can watch everything online now, so it's not THAT bad!!)

So all day, I've been thinking.......Lord, what is it that you want me to do? You know what life is going to be like if I go back to work? Who is going to help me with the girls? But more than anything my soul is screaming.....I DON'T WANT TO DO ANOTHER NO WHERE GOING JOB. I want to do things with purpose and have meaning behind it. And meaning for me is.....salvation and grace in God. Nothing else matters. I just want to have......enough. That's all Lord, enough. Enough to not have to stress out, worry or even get depressed about.

I just don't do well in life when things are not "settled". Knowing that something is going to have to change makes me nervous. I want to be here for my girls...oh it makes me so sad. And ya'll have to understand that Kris is just never home....he works so much and he has to, it's just the way it is. So it would mean me working AND doing everything else I normally do, and finding someone to keep the girls.......just not a fun thought, been there, done it, NOT FUN.

I've been researching things all day.......real estate, surgical tech, make money at home SCAMS......=) the options are there, but it's going to take something on my part too.......or do I just really trust in the Lord right now? Do I sincerely fast, pray, fast and pray until He "gives us our break"? But where do you draw the line in trusting Him and being dumb? I know He's not going to drop a check out of the sky for a million dollars....although it would be great, it's most likely NOT going to happen. Why do I feel NO peace in any decision I'm "attempting" to make or applications I "attempt" to fill out? What is it that He is saying? TRUST or OBEY??

Well, forgive me for my oh so negative thoughts right now......I guess I'm just beyond frustrated with life tonight......and I needed to vent. A girl's gotta do it every once in awhile. So, I don't ask for this very often but, please pray for me. Pray that the Lord will give me some kind of direction in the next few days. Pray that I will have peace again.....I was there, I was so at peace until now. I was ok with my tiny house and my rude neighbors...... (although they did speak to me today....only to tell me that the lady that owned this house never used her heat because it was to expensive!).....and my older van and never having all the latest clothes, and clipping coupons and selling all our old stuff on ebay.......I was REALLY OK.

So off I go to climb into my very cold bed..the girls have a heater don't worry THEY are warm! =) Maybe I'll awake in the morning with a fresh perspective. But, I think I'd better hit my knees if that's gonna happen. The heat man comes tomorrow.....oh I don't even know what to pray. MIRACLES. Have a blessed night.


Leigh Gray said...

friend i am not joking - you all need to pray about moving here. there is one or 2 electricians in this whole area. the one we have hired that never shows up because he is sooooooooooooooooooo busy is just about the only one that anybody trusts... we need more great electricians!!! i am serious - hit your kness about that!!! come visit and then just stay!!!

love, Leigh

Karen said...

Oh dear, I am not real good at the prayer stuff, but I do my best. I agree, money just does not fall from the sky,(although I did ask plenty of times). I remember going through the the couch looking for change, going through old cloths hoping we left some money there, and rolling penny's just to get food for the kids.

If I could turn back time, I would have gotten a education. Now I have to do it at almost 50 so I can work at something that I am interested in, instead of working to work.

I don't know that what the future holds for you, but I recommend that you write down exactly what you want, how you see yourself, and then pray from that point.

Somehow I feel that something is going to change after you go to Coolidge, I don't know why, but when I read Sissys e-mail that you would be going there, I got this impression that this would would result in some kind of change. Maybe there is something to be learned, I really just do not know. I am thinking this will be a change for the good, so be patient and know what you want, so when the door opens you can go in.

I am suppose to be reading a assignment for English so I better get to it.

From my child development class, Kennedy is doing exactly what she is suppose to be doing at her age, and it will pass sooner than you think. Hang tough.

A happy day to you.

Aunt Karen

Nicki said...

Thanks Aunt Karen, I always appreciate your insight! I'll be intereasted to see what comes from this trip, we are so excited and now I'm even more curious!! =)

The girls can't wait to see you!!! I think Kennedy will be good, at least she's cute so if she screams to much on the airplane her looks will buy her some symphathy from others!! =) hee hee!!

Pastor Lisa said...

I cannot tell you how many times I have felt what you are feeling. It's maddening when you're frustrated, not knowing where you're going, what's your next move.

You cry out to God...what in the world are you doing? What do you want from me? You scream and feel like God's not listening.

He is.

And He knows what He's doing.

I found comfort in His word a few weeks when I was in a similar spot.

My God has the final say so in every area of my life.

That's it.

I don't care what the bank says.

I don't care what else breaks.

I don't care what shuts down.

My daddy, my Abba has the FINAL say in everything. It ain't over till my Daddy says it's over!

Trust that He loves you and is fully aware of your situation. The devil tells you otherwise.

It's hard sitting on God's olive press. I begged to come from underneath it. He's bringing me out and for that I'm grateful.

Right now we're facing a tough situation but I refuse to stress...this time. God knows what he's doing. He has the final say so. And we learned Sunday that God is a God of absolutes. If He says you're blessed...then you're absolutely blessed. There are no if's, and's or but's about it.

God is not wishy-washy, nor is he hormonal or unstable.

You can trust Him with your life.

Even when you're angry, want to cry, have no clue and can't see your way...He's there.

Sitting still in a hard place can be nerve racking. It's easy to say we trust God...we sing along with Donnie McClurking...I trust you Lord...but it's easier said than done.

But I pray God's peace in this hard place. I pray you really come to a place of trusting the Father.

He comforted me.

I know He will comfort you.

He's a good daddy.

You are so in my prayers sweetie.

Love you.

Nicki said...

Pastor Lisa,

Thanks so much for you wise words.....they mean so much to me today!! I so appreciate hearing other's insights who have walked these same steps and felt the same frustrations in life....and I love how you said God isn't hormonal or wishy washy!! =) You are so right!!
Thanks girl!!

Valarie said...

Oh Nicki. Girl, you just don't even know how I can relate! Listen girl, when I quit working to stay home with my kids 9 years ago I was making about $16/hr - 9 years ago! I have wrestled with going back to work soooooo many times and every time I dust off the old resume God gently reminds me that I'm called to be a mommy FIRST! He reminds me that HE is Jehovah-Jireh, NOT ME, NOT JIMMY - HIM!

First thing to do - PRAY. Then pray again and then finally pray again. Tell God what you need from Him - not because He needs to know (obviously) but because He needs YOU TO CONFESS IT!

I could tell you story after story after story about God providing for Jimmy and I. Once we had NO MONEY. I mean our checking acct was overdrawn by like, $100 or something, it was February - COLD - and the electric was off from someone crashing into a pole. It was getting dark and we had NO IDEA what we were gonna eat, how we would stay warm, where we could go. Don't you know that a friend showed up at our door because they were going to deliver a meal in this neighborhood to someone who had just had a baby but they got their nights mixed up and they already had food so they were just gonna stop by to see if we had dinner yet. GIRL! I'm telling you that I had no bread, no milk, no eggs, NOTHING and here was a complete meal! HOT MEAL AT THAT! Then while they were here the husband fixed our gas logs so that we would have heat.

Now, you just tell me that was coincidence! NEVER! That was Jehovah-Jireh showing up to my rescue!!! He did it for me, girl He'll do it for you. Just ask Him!

Sorry for going on but girl you PRAY. I will too! I love ya girl!

Lucy said...

There's no way I can add anything to what Pastor Lisa and Valarie have said. They are right on the money.

You've got my prayers. When it seems that you can't count on anything, count on the fact that you can trust the Heart of God. He knows how much you want to be obedient. He'll speak. He will.

Love you!!!

ValleyGirl said...

I feel your pain and unfortunately, I have no answers. But I will pray.

Tisha said...

Girl -I have uttered the same exact words just in the last few months. How do you balance the "let's have faith that God will pull us through" and just being plan dumb about things. I took this full-time job because we were struggling and really needed to pay down some debt. I prayed and it seemed like all the doors opened to let it happen. However, my house has suffered (not as clean as usual), the girls are tired because they have to get up SO much earlier, I have had a hard time taking off when they are out of school, etc. Its just been plain hard!!! I even told my mom the other day that maybe I didn't rely on the Lord or wait on the Lord long enough. Part of my motivation with this job was also to get a new house, etc. Would I like a "newer", slightly bigger house, you betcha, but do we "NEED" it, probably not. Its just so hard!!! I am definitely hitting my knees and really asking for the Lord to hit me over the head. Maybe I acted before He could!! Sorry, this is so long, I was just really feelin' ya!!! haha

Lucy said...


Go to my blog.

the good, the bad & the ugly said...

I am so sorry. My heart is just hurting for you. We have had similar things happen. I will pray for you.

Sharon said...

Yes, I'm running a little late today. But I have not been venturing out too much lately and I guess my fingers are running a little slow.
Coming out of the dark--I have something to say!!!!!!!!
You follow Pastor Lisa's advice and you do you some screaming and crying out with all your worth. Part of the reason I was in the spot I was in was because when I saw I was on another trip around the same mountain--I got tired of being mad. Anger suppressed takes you to do not pass go go straight to depression.
I have been in a very dark spot.
You have got to do some screaming. Let it out. Yes, a lot of my screaming was silent but God heard it.
He has a plan. I have to remind myself of that when my hubby says he wants to look for a new job. Or the house I am living in--- a year almost after we tore down our old house---is a rental.
And then throw in a bunch of other stuff--and you got the mess that drives me crazy. Yes, all the up in the air stuff gets me too.

So you vent. Let it out. We don't want you to sour.
And then we will pray. Because We want to give the power to Him and not to satan.
I love you and if I could throw a rope in the fire and pull you out--I would. But just about the time you grabbed hold-pop-it would come right out with out you.
So stay in the fire and let him burn it off girl. We will come on in and walk around with you.....and Him.
Love ya girl ;)