Thursday, August 23, 2007


I'm a bit down today.......just life has been so busy I just haven't even had time to breathe lately. I guess all the "after effects" of this big move have gotten to me. It's one thing to move from one house to another but it's a totally different thing to put everything into storage and move and re-do a house. Even though everything is un-packed it's still quite a challenge to get everything "just right" in this little house. But, I've decided that my old motto of being completely settled in two weeks has changed drastically as of today. I think part of it is Kris, and I'm not bashing my hubby, he's been incredible the past two weeks.......He's just a "gotta have it JUST RIGHT, RIGHT NOW" kinda person, he can't stand things messy or out of place. So not only unpacking but keeping up with the cleaning, cooking and never ending laundry and not to mention three's been a challenge and I think today I'm just like....phew, I'm tired.

But, I didn't come on here to spread some cheese with my whining this morning, and I know that's all it is, but sometimes a girl's just gotta vent! I guess this morning I woke up and looked at myself and I'm so afraid to even get on that scale.....I know it's bad. You'd think from all this work I would have lost weight, but it seems to be just to opposite with me.......the busier and more stressed I am the more weight I gain....the more settled life is is when I can focus on my weight and running. Taylor said to me yesterday, "Mommy why don't you run anymore?" I about wanted to crawl under the seat and boo hoo my eyes out.......that child doesn't have a clue, and I don't expect her too, of all that has been happening late into the night while she rests her sweet blue eyes.

I guess I feel a little hopeless this oh no, here we go again. Around this same mountain again. I could cook up some pretty good excuses why this weight has come back on again and I'm sure they would be justifiable. But, I read something this morning that has deeply convicted me. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May you whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."

When I begin to look at myself in those three areas Spirit, soul and body.....I see that there's a lot of work that needs to be done. And I don't think it's ANY mistake that the spirit is listed first in this verse.........everything else will follow. I know that my weight does not please the Lord. I know that the way I've put myself last lately does not please Him either. I think that's the hardest part about being a momma........everyone else "needs" so much that we become last over and over again.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this as of right now. Normally I'm so motivated to come up with a plan but, as I sit here right now and think of the million things to do today, it's like I just can't focus. Oh it makes me sad. I have my priorities all messed up.......again. Well, I'd better go......sorry for such a "downer" post today, I guess it's just not an on top of the mountain day...just being honest. Have a blessed day (and I'm speaking to myself too).

Dearest Lord,
Thank you that I can come to you in anyway even through a blog. Lord, I feel so overwhelmed today just by "life". Forgive me for not having my priorities straight and not putting your first in my life. Lord, there are so many people on my heart this many situations that make me very sad, tired and weary.......especially in my own family. Father forgive me for carrying around the weight (literally and figuratively) of all these situations in my life. Lord, I see that are somethings I will just never be able to change about my life and I realize and accept that.

Father, today, just today, give me the strength I need to get through all that needs to be done. Lord, please let my MP3 player start working again so that I can praise you all throughout this day....Lord, I know you hear even those small prayers. Lord even as this small child pulls on my leg screaming her head off because everything in this world is "hers".......I know you are here. I know you are right beside me, I just need to feel your breath a little stronger today. Breathe on my Lord, right now, right here.....just let me feel your breath.

Forgive me for the way I am, the way I have let myself be last in life. And Lord lately it's not even been "last" it's been not at all. Balance is my prayer today...and Lord I know there may be someone reading this prayer and needs some encouragement too....I pray that you would surround them with your love and grace right now.

Thank you God for all of your blessings......especially the ones who drive me the most crazy.....I know they are your children and I pray that I would love them the way you love me today. Hold me up Father, raise me up, make me be the person you intend for me to be...I lay it ALL DOWN. Oh Lord, I lay it down......I trust in you, I love you, I praise you even right here, right now. Father, bring me to the top of the mountain today.....I love you.


Karen said...

Oh Nicki, you are one of the most beautiful young women that I know. Your smile and eyes light up the world! Not many people are as lucky in looks as you are!

Why are our family and extended families so hung up about weight? Ben looks like a bird, Chris looks like a bird, Arron looks like a bird, Grandma looked like a bird, and so on, you know the people on the bird list.

I also put on weight when we moved. It is so true, you think it would go the other way because you just dont stop moving your body for hours on end. Then when I left the center, I put on even more weight.(Lots of depression there)

So I started walking for 30 min every day, and my oh my, it is HOT here. After a month, I have lost only 5 pounds. A little disappointing. I felt frustrated. But the other day I decided to just like myself the way I was. There are more important thing to think about in life. I decided to stop judging myself. After that, I noticed the other day that my shorts were a little lose. I will stay off the scale, and stop thinking about it, and just take my brisk walks. I want to be healthy and not look like a bird. That is my new motivation.

Being a mom is hard!!! You are doing a great job with the girls. Guess what? There were ocassions when I yelled at my kids, and to snitch on my sister, they to yelled at their kids. It happens. I just said in my head "I am sorry God" and moved on.

My sister Jan said a few weeks ago when we were talking about confidence and self esteem, she said "I am the daughter of a Great KING, I will hold my head high" She said she had to remind her self to stand tall with her head held high.

I started school and was a little nervous and that phrase came to me. So I straighten my self up, put on a smile and the rest is history.

I loved your prayer! It is a hard day, but you can do it. Love yourself, be gentle with yourself, do something special for yourself today, even if it is just a cup of your favorite tea.

Aunt Karen

Nicki said...

Oh Auntie you're so sweet!! Thanks for the encouraging words!! I'll br praying for you and your school adventure!! Yes, Aunt Janice is right, we are daughter's of the day at a time!! I'm working on getting those pictures to you! So you can see your advice put into action with the living room! Have a great day!!

pinkmommy said...

Girl, I am so sorry you have to go through this struggle. My aunt has struggled with her weight all her life, and I know it is such a hard burden to live with. I will be praying for perserverance for you to fight the good fight!

Sharon said...

Girl can I identify with you on the weight issue!
I am working on mine presently.
This summer I packed on the pounds. Pounds I had worked mighty hard to take off. If you have never had a weight problem I don't think you understand what it is like to look in the mirror and see what has happened to you because you were not letting God be your all in all.That is my story. So I come to God and once again tell Him I am sorry and I was wrong and I KNOW He forgives me. BUT! It is not easy for me to see the evidence of my sin every day. I guess other people could have those problems too. Like if they over spent and they had to look everyday at their debt. It is a weight they carry too.
My pastors wife is doing this thing to. We are encouraging each other. The thing she said that got me is--I can take it off but I don't want it back again.
I don't think it will change until my soul longs more for Him than anything else. Bottom line for me is trust. If I trusted Him more maybe I would run to what I KNOW could help me instead of getting mad and feeling sorry for myself and running to food.
I think the only thing that will help is more of Him and staying filled with the Spirit. If I am filled up with Him--I won't be so needy.
"Have a blessed day (and I'm speaking to myself too)."
I loved this! You are blessed coming in and going out. You are a Princess and mighty warrior in disguise. You bless my heart. And I know SOMEONE up above thinks you are mighty special too. Keep walking---never, never give up!We are not quitters--WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS! MORE THAN!

sa said...


日月神教-任我行 said...