Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Obedience......how far?

Last night was not a good night around this house! Another storm blew threw if you know what I mean!!! =) A real one and a figuratively speaking one!! Kris and I had some "words" on parenting....something that does not fly well with the momma who is the one with them 90% of the time!! Then we had some more "words" on our marriage and the "words" ended with me sleeping in the room with Taylor.......not fun! Why am I telling you this? I don't know....maybe you will understand?? As I layed my head down to sleep....I could see God shaking his head at me. I felt like I was in such a deep place of disobedience. "But Lord, I'm with these girls ALL day and ALL night, how dare him tell me I made a mistake?" (even though I did NOT) "Lord, why can't I have a husband to talk to about the things that dwell deep in my soul?" I sat there for over and hour and pleaded with God to "understand" my disobedience. Ever been there?

And so this morning of course I have awoken very un-rested......even in a king size bed that Taylor ended up on top of me somehow! But more than my body being un-rested my soul is in uproar this morning. I do not do well when I am walking in disobedience. I have a very sensitive spirit to the Lord and when I am not walking right, whoa....watch out. So as I sit here with my Lord crying out for Him to speak to my soul and forgive my angry heart......I've come to a verse that has always been full of deep conviction in my soul.......Luke 11:23 "He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me, scatters."

If God has called you into the ministry you'll understand this......NOTHING makes sense when you are not walking with Him and doing what HE has called you to do. I crave my bible studies to be written, I pray constantly....."Lord, who will you allow me to study your word with?" I long to be in complete obedience with this calling He has placed on my life. And all I've done is make excuses why I'm not writing, why I'm not studying, why I'm not "reaching". If you look further down in Luke 11:28 you'll see this verse which has touched me BIG time, "Blessed are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

As we've been looking for this house....that I'm beginning to wonder if it exists!,....we have come across a very small house and I mean SMALL. It's on old house that needs a lot of updating and it's definitely not my "style". BUT it's about $40,000 less than our "budget". Now ya'll.....I had already lowered our budget about $30,000 from the time we first starting looking to be in "obedience". Kris and I both feel comfortable with the price range we decided on. But why is it we just can't find anything? And why is it that we have made two offers on houses and they have not worked out? Lord, what are you telling me? Why do I NOT want to hear this? Kris made the "suggestion" last night that perhaps we think about this other house. At first my skin cringed thinking about three wild girls in that small house. I thought, "Well how on earth would I ever be able to have a bible study at THAT house?" (I know..horrible thinking) You see, I'm so "over" this I gotta have a big nice house......that's NOT my heart at all, but I do want something that we will all be comfortable in and we will feel safe in.

But then this morning, I thought.....what if this is the house God has for us? Will I rejoice in Him and BE GLAD....or will I be so sad that God did not step down and answer my specific prayers in a BIG way? (I know...I sound VERY spoiled) Now before you place your judging hat on...hang with me a minute, because we've all been in these positions in life! We pray and believe something big and then it just does not turn out the way we thought it would....but what I'm suggesting is maybe my thinking is all wrong. Although it may not seem that way to some.......since I've been so humbled already, maybe God is requiring more from me. I have come to understand through MANY circumstances in life that God always has the bigger picture in mind and it's NOT my place to try and figure out that bigger picture. It is my place just to walk.......step by step......day by day. Tears have overcome me as I think of how sad God's heart must be right now with me.

This song....be magnified says it all to me. "I have made you to small in my mind.......oh Lord forgive me. And I have believed in the lie, that you were unable to help me. But now Oh Lord I see my wrong, heal my heart and show yourself strong....Oh Lord Be magnified." So maybe I've had it all wrong this whole time? Maybe I have believed in the lies that God was going to bless me in this huge way through a house.......when He has so much bigger things for my life then the "things" of this world.

Please oh please don't judge my heart and think I have this all wrong......The ONLY reason I pour out my heart on this blog like this is to encourage other women who face the same battles I face each day. This is a journey for me....God is molding me and getting rid of all the "yucky" things. And this is a process...it's not going to be overnight and I write about all the things I face on here to work them out and receive other's insight as well. I'm SO not having a pity party or asking for sympathy.......this is just honesty here!! I could so easily just sit here and write about how awesome God is and how awesome life is......and YES those things are true!! But don't we all face these "issues" in some way or another?? God has called me.....he has set me apart.....apart from all the "fakeness" of this world. And I will not believe in the lies that Satan wants me to dwell in anymore!

I'm not sure what God is saying....but I feel sick to my stomach and for me that means DEEP conviction about something. And usually it's obedience. So I'm at a crossroads today, which way will I turn? Will I push that feeling aside and justify my disobedience? Or will I turn.......and face this battle head on. I just want to walk......I just want God to speak and me to walk. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a mistake.....that I'm going to "miss the call". So Lord, all I can do is sit here and ask you to speak in a big way to me today. I have so many "things" running through my mind and I just want to obey....that's all I want. And if that is the house you have for us....then Lord, I will rejoice and I will be glad because it's from you and I know that ANYTHING that comes from you comes with no strings attached.

So today is about being a good momma to these girls. We are going to the pool this afternoon......they are like little mermaids!! Even Ms.Kennyboo!! OH AND BIG NEWS on the walking home front!! We are STANDING by ourselves!!! WHOO HOOO!!! She thinks she is SO BIG!! It's absolutely the cutest thing I've ever seen! Bless her heart!! Taylor is a grouch today..surprise! She just needs some more books to read!! I ordered her some hopefully they will be here today! Hopie is emotional....as usual. =) She's SO dramatic......"I have to eat my cereal.........I'm so hungry I might die." They sure do keep my on my toes!! We've been doing our "homeschool" summer activities each day. They are doing VERY well. But today I think they need a project to do. We might need to head to the craft store.

I ordered a new MP3 player off ebay, I'm very nervous about it because it was really cheap! BUT the guy had good feedback so hopefully it will be good. I know this sounds crazy....but I can't run without my music. I've tried.....I really have! =) So hopefully that will be here today or tomorrow and I can get back on track training for this half-marathon. I still really want to do it but I'd better get my tooshie going if I'm gonna do it! Well, I'd better go.....it's been great spending time with you and my Lord today. I don't know what God's gonna do but, I'm waiting upon him! Have a BLESSED OBEDIENT DAY!!


Sharon said...

Good grief girl--it's like I am listening to myself. :)
Just yesterday I was talking to my girl about this house and how it is big but not what I thought about when I thought God would give us something a little closer to the church so that I could have womens group there during the day.
My thoughts compared to His thoughts?
God is working in our lives. How cool is it that you are miserable in your lack of obedience. Am I crazy for being excited about that. I get the same way. I stomp my foot and then I get sick in my spirit. I try to run--I wrote about it today in a post--and God yanks my chain.
You know if we could share the deep things of our soul with our husbands at this time maybe we would not be so willing to share it with God.
I think Beth talks about the fact that when God was changing her and preparing her, Keith--her husband--was not at the same place in his relationship with God.God has a reason for it all.
I am glad you come here and walk out your faith. I don't see it as complaining. Some of us work it out by talking it out. If someone can not handle it--it is not for them.
I posted a day or so ago a comment on meekness that was posted by a blogger on Beth's site. It is really good. If you missed it it is by A.W Tozier(s.p). It speaks deep.
I understand the vision you have for your house. I have one too.He is faithful....but if He wants to change your vision---let Him. Let Him stretch you to fit His vision. I'm in the stretching...you are too. He is creating......a masterpiece.
Love ya girl!
I just reread my comment before posting it--talk about jumping around. Sorry...but I am going to leave it because that is me.

pinkmommy said...

I SO know exactly what you are talking about. I am going through some very similiar things that you are going through. Some stuff with my hubby and not with my house, but with my job. I CLING to this verse...

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

He truly does have wonderful plans for us, maybe even so good we haven't thought to ask for them. I am praying for you!

Neva said...

My friend,
You walk where we all walk. Being obedient is often difficult. We are a very independent sort and just as toddlers, we often "think" we know better than our Father. We are blessed that our loving Father sees our hearts and forgives our actions. He helps us say "I'm sorry" and makes "I was wrong" not hurt quite so much. He is proud of our penitence and continues to love us in spite of ourselves.
He is so good!
Praying for you and all of us as we journey toward eternity.