Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Do you ever feel resentment?

I don't like resentment...........I really don't. I think it's a horrible sin, I think it's one of the worst things we can do to our souls. It eats and tears us apart in ways I didn't know possible. But, what I realized yesterday after a HUGE battle with my husband...........I resent him. Now, before you judge.........HANG ON, KEEP READING.............=)

I really could go on and on about all the things I resent him for, you might find it might be able to might think it's ridiculous..........but I think that would be considered husband bashing........and I don't want to do that. I KNOW there are many mom's that can relate to this, I have several friends that have the same battles I have with husband issues and I have talked through this with many people, but I'm just at a stumbling block this morning. There just doesn't seem to be an answer. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's the fact that I'm SOOO tired, maybe it's the fact that I just am emotionally tired too..........I don't know, but this morning, I have to have a plan to deal with this resentment I have. Because it's not eating HIM up, it's eating ME up. Isn't that the way it always is, someone does something wrong to you and you end up in sin??? UGH............

I know so many people who would say to me, "Nicki you need to take a pill!!"............and maybe I do.........but I don't have a pill, BUT I have the greatest healer, the greatest counselor, the greatest advice giver, the greatest one on my side, the ONLY one who can change anyone (including me) sweet Lord Jesus. I realize that I am at a very fragile time in our marriage, we hardly have seen each other the past three weeks, we really are never alone, we don't really have a lot of time to talk or fight =).......but I totally realize that it's only for a few more weeks.......Lord willing!!!

So when we're at such a fragile state in our lives, and then situations hit us drastically, how do we get through this battle? How do we stay strong and pursue on? I've turned in my bible to 1 Peter 5:8-9 this is what these strong words of instruction say, my words are in parenthesis, "Be self-controlled and alert (realizing when I'm under attack, keeping my mouth shut and hitting my knees in prayer). Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (he's looking to devour ME, whenever he can). Resist him, standing firm in the faith because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering (praying scripture, knowing that I do have friends who have the same's NOT just me who goes through this)."

Isn't it SO hard to resist the devil sometimes. Here's my thing.........I get hurt when someone does something to me that I would NEVER do to them.........let me see if I can make this make sense...........When I feel someone has wronged me in a way I would never wrong them, I take it VERY personal, more personal than I would if I know I could possibly fall in the wrong that way too. Maybe I feel that I would never do some of the things that Kris is choosing to do right now at this point in his life, so therefore it's wrong??? I don't know if that makes's another example, awhile back I had someone do something to me that seemed very wrong in my eyes and others eyes, but in their eyes they had done nothing wrong..........Is that resentment? Or is it me not resisting the devils schemes???

Now I totally realize that whether a person wants to admit they are wrong or not and despite the point if they's my choice in how I deal with it.............and that can lead me into sin, which I would say in this case it has..........other times I have simply prayed for that person, and I've even prayed for God to bless that person (which is a really hard thing to do).......but in this case where I have to see him everyday and deal with things every day, it's A LOT harder than to just write it off.........

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it's hard to write right now, I've got this screaming baby at my feet who is just tired.......PLEASE INPUT PLEASE.........I'd love to know what my fellow sister's in Christ feel about this........but I just hope I've made sense, I'm just truly being honest here...........I know there are many women battling this........there has to be a way we can overcome this.......let me know your thoughts!!!

Blessings to you this "seeking God deeply" day!!


Sharon said...

I think we can experience resentment in many different ways.
I guess it really -like you pointed out-has to do with our expectations. If we have no expectations concerning how we should be treated--I guess we would have no resentment.
I have encounter this little peace stealer lately.
Matter of fact I probably experienced this the last two days when I thought about what I was having to deal with concerning house details and loan details. I got off the phone with a woman who was very curt and tense and the conversation did not go the way I thought it would. I caught myself thinking how lucky Keith was for not having to deal with all this.
And the Lord was quick to give me a little smack.
How would I like to carry the responsibility for the welfare of our whole family? And have I ever thought that satan could be trying to use these problems in our lives to destroy my husbands feelings of self worth?
I pray God gives me the strength and wisdom to handle what He has put in my life. I pray that He allows my words to strengthen my husband. Remember when we plant seeds--they will produce a harvest.

And you need to spend some private time bonding with you husband. The more distance between you means more room for satan to step in with lies.
Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

From one of my favorite studies:

"If we think fleshy thoughts, wrong thoughts, negative thoughts, we cannot walk in the Spirit. It seems as if renewed, God-like thinking is a vital necessity to a successful Christian life."

My cousin is a stay at home Mom and it sometimes bothers me to hear her complain. (being honest here....sorry if I step on any toes)I guess during those times I resent her... I know that Stay at Home moms work hard....but take it from a working mom who has to work outside the home because God called us both to be teachers (where the rewards are MANY but they aren't financial)Count your blessings!

I know the fleshy thoughts can bog us down and I am guilty of them too but God spoke to me one night while I was cleaning the bathroom floor - He said, "think of all the mother's who have handicapped children whose children can't use the toilet by themselves - what would they give to clean up a bathroom that belongs to healthy children? I cried as I scrubbed because I realized that my attitude was wrong.

So I began the process of praying my way through housework and mundane chores - Lord, thank you for the dirty dishes in the sink for it means you provided our meals today, thanks you for the dirty sneakers in the floor for it means that my healthy family is able to walk, run and play....thank you for the piles of dirty laundry for it means that we have a busy active life...and so on. Sure keeps me from complaining and grumbling. (and trust me I can travel that road with the best of them)

Also from the study: Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you each time you start to get negative or resentful. Satan loves to make you think that your unhappiness is due to what's going on around you - but the misery is actually due to what is going on INSIDE you....

Didn't mean to preach but I needed to hear this too - think about your thinking! Don't let Satan take you there in your thoughts - Choose JOY in all circumstances!

Love you - thanks for your brutal honesty and ALL of your encouragement this year - your blog has been a blessing to me in so many ways! Praying for you -


Anonymous said...

You should count your blessings that you are healthy. I have 2 children and have a struggle each day just to get out of bed from the pain in my whole body. Pray for us that not only struggle with kids and chores but with every day health problems as well. Enjoy your husband and your kids because you never know when you will be struck down by illness and still have to stand strong for everyone around you.

Nicki said...

Anonymous- thank you for your comment, and I do realize that I do need to be thankful each day for a healthy family....I don't take it for granted ever, it's just been a rough spell at this time of our lives!! But thank you for the reminder that it can always be worse!!! I hope that you find healing and strength through our Lord. Blessings to you!

CrownLaidDown said...

That cell phone ring is so very funny!!

I'm looking forward to reading this post tonight (as resentment goes on right behind my back!)
Off I go to deal :)

Anonymous said...

i came by to say thank you for your comment.

i love your honesty! can i share something with you? have you ever read the book 'where the red fern grows'? in it, the boy is told how to build a raccoon trap. a hole is drilled into a fallen log and nails are driven in at an angle. something shiny is dropped into the hole. raccoons love shiny things. they can reach in to get the object, but they can't pull it out because of the nails. they have to let the object go in order to get their hand (paw i suppose) out.
guess what. they won't let the object go. and even if they are approached and know they will be captured, they refuse to let go.

matthew 18:32-35 talks about forgiveness and by not "letting go"... being delivered over to the tormentors. as you have said, it does tears us apart.. us. the person holding onto that object.

i know it's so very easy to say.. just let go. but so very hard to do at times. i struggle with it as well. but i try to remember the raccoon story and leave that shiny object for God to take care of.
you are not alone.

i look forward to coming back and reading more!

peace to you..