I'm a mess...and so is this post.

I'm writing this post with tears streaming down my face.

As a girl who is admittedly very animated, I rarely cry...like this. But something inside me is screaming to write...and so I push through the pain in my heart and I will try to pour out my thoughts into words.

Something is very different inside of me.

Ten years ago,I was a very different girl. A girl with a mission in life. To serve Jesus no matter what the cost. I asked Him to take me to the ends of this earth to speak of His love to every tribe, every tongue, every nation. There was something deeply rooted in my to love...everyone.

And then...I got pregnant with my precious Taylor. And my life evolved quickly into paths I never dreamed I would take. A bride and a mom at the age of 19. Scared out of her mind asking the question "Who will I become?" . And now I am just a few months away from my 30th birthday and I find myself today asking God, "Who am I?" I don't know who I've become.

Something happened to me when I went to El Salvador. It was a good thing but a painful thing at the same time. For a brief week, I remembered my passion for the lost of this world. I remembered the heartache that I felt for those who deserved so much more than they had and I wanted to help them. I remembered when God called me at the age of 17 to go literally to the other side of the this planet and serve Him. I felt like I remembered why God put me on this earth.

And then, life happened. I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I serve on a ministry and I write blogs. That's me. Just an ordinary woman.

But ordinary seems to unacceptable. And forgive me if that offends you but it's just how I feel.

I find myself today in a pit of sadness because I just can't seem to think about going and working out at the gym or about the gazzilion loads of laundry I need to do or even about what to make for dinner. I couldn't relate to the mom's at the park today with their plans about going to Disney...and I didn't even care. Because all I could think about while they were talking were the Compassion kids and how many they could sponsor for the price of their trip. I KNOW...it's not good thinking.

I can't bring myself to finish my painting of the stairs project or to even think about decorating when I know that there are mom's on the other side of this world who are sweeping dirt floors right now and don't even have a second story to their house.

Maybe it's like a spiritual mid-life crisis. I don't know.

And I don't know what to do with all these thoughts that lay in the depth of my soul. I don't know how to erase the images that struck my heart in ways I never dreamed of. I deeply miss all the amazing relationships I made with people who do life, and do it well in the worst of circumstances. And I just don't know what to do about it.

Some think writers shouldn't write about thoughts like this but this blog has always been me. The good, the bad, the funny and now...the ugly me.

And then I cry more tears to think about my sweet girls. I am their momma and that is truly the greatest blessing and ministry I will ever have in my life. And how blessed I am to have them...I do know. But I want more for them too. And not more material things...I want richer lives for them.

I don't know what to do with all these emotions. And I'm afraid they will fade into my soul as I slip back into the everyday life as they did over the past ten years. I want my soul to stay raw and stay in this place that I don't accept the ordinary for my life.

I want to be like this amazing woman, Ruth.


She never accepted the ordinary for her life. And in fact, she was the main reason Compassion is in El Salvador, because she wanted more for her people.

Mom's, wives, grandmother's and sweet women (and maybe a man or two) who read this blog...I feel this way for you. I want us to live such rich lives that through the power of one we too can change our whole nation. Jesus was a very mission minded man. And I just want to be like Him...that's all. I want to serve not be served and I want to give not receive. I want to love, bring hope and walk forward into the purpose for life that has to be out of the ordinary.

That's me. All of me today. The good, the bad, the ugly...but the truth. And I don't know what to do with the Jesus girl so here she is just raw and open.