Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm a mess...and so is this post.

I'm writing this post with tears streaming down my face.

As a girl who is admittedly very animated, I rarely this. But something inside me is screaming to write...and so I push through the pain in my heart and I will try to pour out my thoughts into words.

Something is very different inside of me.

Ten years ago,I was a very different girl. A girl with a mission in life. To serve Jesus no matter what the cost. I asked Him to take me to the ends of this earth to speak of His love to every tribe, every tongue, every nation. There was something deeply rooted in my to love...everyone.

And then...I got pregnant with my precious Taylor. And my life evolved quickly into paths I never dreamed I would take. A bride and a mom at the age of 19. Scared out of her mind asking the question "Who will I become?" . And now I am just a few months away from my 30th birthday and I find myself today asking God, "Who am I?" I don't know who I've become.

Something happened to me when I went to El Salvador. It was a good thing but a painful thing at the same time. For a brief week, I remembered my passion for the lost of this world. I remembered the heartache that I felt for those who deserved so much more than they had and I wanted to help them. I remembered when God called me at the age of 17 to go literally to the other side of the this planet and serve Him. I felt like I remembered why God put me on this earth.

And then, life happened. I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I serve on a ministry and I write blogs. That's me. Just an ordinary woman.

But ordinary seems to unacceptable. And forgive me if that offends you but it's just how I feel.

I find myself today in a pit of sadness because I just can't seem to think about going and working out at the gym or about the gazzilion loads of laundry I need to do or even about what to make for dinner. I couldn't relate to the mom's at the park today with their plans about going to Disney...and I didn't even care. Because all I could think about while they were talking were the Compassion kids and how many they could sponsor for the price of their trip. I's not good thinking.

I can't bring myself to finish my painting of the stairs project or to even think about decorating when I know that there are mom's on the other side of this world who are sweeping dirt floors right now and don't even have a second story to their house.

Maybe it's like a spiritual mid-life crisis. I don't know.

And I don't know what to do with all these thoughts that lay in the depth of my soul. I don't know how to erase the images that struck my heart in ways I never dreamed of. I deeply miss all the amazing relationships I made with people who do life, and do it well in the worst of circumstances. And I just don't know what to do about it.

Some think writers shouldn't write about thoughts like this but this blog has always been me. The good, the bad, the funny and now...the ugly me.

And then I cry more tears to think about my sweet girls. I am their momma and that is truly the greatest blessing and ministry I will ever have in my life. And how blessed I am to have them...I do know. But I want more for them too. And not more material things...I want richer lives for them.

I don't know what to do with all these emotions. And I'm afraid they will fade into my soul as I slip back into the everyday life as they did over the past ten years. I want my soul to stay raw and stay in this place that I don't accept the ordinary for my life.

I want to be like this amazing woman, Ruth.

She never accepted the ordinary for her life. And in fact, she was the main reason Compassion is in El Salvador, because she wanted more for her people.

Mom's, wives, grandmother's and sweet women (and maybe a man or two) who read this blog...I feel this way for you. I want us to live such rich lives that through the power of one we too can change our whole nation. Jesus was a very mission minded man. And I just want to be like Him...that's all. I want to serve not be served and I want to give not receive. I want to love, bring hope and walk forward into the purpose for life that has to be out of the ordinary.

That's me. All of me today. The good, the bad, the ugly...but the truth. And I don't know what to do with the Jesus girl so here she is just raw and open.


JenB said...

Oh girl, you're not a mess. It's called being changed forever by what you've seen and experienced. It's that reverse culture-shock type thing that you don't want to go away. That's a difficult thing to process back in your "real world". You have a new perspective on life and priorities and I pray for you (and for me) that it never changes. God has given you a gift! Now you have to figure out what He wants you to do with it.
Looking forward to more stories from the trip! Love you!

Kimberly said...

You shared beautifully. I have never been on a mission's trip myself, but I have heard that you come back changed...changed for the better. And I know your three beautiful daughters will benefit from this re-ignited flame. I am sure more will benefit from it than you will ever know.

Blessings! And so glad you had such an amazing and life-changing trip!

Daughter of the KING said...

That's not the ugly you! That's the beauty of God shining through you. See it's the brokeness He too feels for His children. We are all God's children. Some just haven't come to know their real father. You keep right on reminding us of the heart of our Father.

Some may say I don't know you well enough to say I love you but I'll say it anyway. I love you and your heart for God! You just keep running after that calling on your life!

Cindy said...

And that is probably how God wants all of us - just raw and open to His plan:)

Mel C said...

(((hugs)))Girl, you aren't a mess... you experienced something that some of us can only dream about. God did some life changing work on you... don't wonder the what if's in life. Those last 10 years had a purpose also, you are mom to three amazing little girls. You've been molding them to follow in your footsteps in a Christlike walk. Your journey to where you are has a reason, one you may never know. As for now, Look toward God for the things that are and the ones that will be. He's changed your heart for a reason. Don't spend too much time moping around, because you might miss the reason he's working on you!!

On Purpose said...

You my friend are a beautiful daughter...and just so you know I cannot wait to hug your neck in person...and tell you that in person. I love that you are in this place...I know what kind of friend can I be if I say that...this place is on purpose...filled with emotion...for you my friend are experiecing what breaks our Gods heart...and He will do something with it! I love you!

Rachel Clark said...

You feel and have done what God requires of us. What this world needs IS more determined Christians. People who will go to the ends of the earth to spread His love and gospel. Your rawness and emotion is a good thing. Use it while you are here to stand up for what you are passionate about. To continue to minister through blogging and writing. Using it to glorify Him. Because if you see it or not, your words that you type do come from God and will touch someone. Love you girl! And if your a mess, your a beautiful mess.

Faith said...

It is without a doubt lifchanging, isn't it? So glad that you were able to experience what God is doing all over the world. There's so much more work to be done and how great is our God to use us in some small way?!?!

Melanie C said...

People love the "real" you. You're always the real you, but we all feel this way. It's just comforting to hear someone else giving voice to the things rolling around in my head some days. Makes me feel less freakish. Thank you.

Delaina said...

Thank you for being so real and posting this! I completely understand how you feel. I recently blogged about the very same thing!

A couple years ago I went to South Africa and when I came back I experienced the same feelings. I felt almost depressed when I came home and I cried for days and I am not a cryer at all! While we were there we ministered in a daycare run by a church for children who have parents or guardian living with aids, have lost a parent or guardian to aids, and some had aids themselves. We walked the halls of a clinic and a hospice for aids victims and it was absolutely wrecking to your soul. To hold a little child in your arms knowing they are sick with something so horrific breaks your heart and coming home from that leaves you almost feeling so leave part of your heart there and it may always be there. It's so eye opening and life changing.

It's hard to come back and go back to your daily routine. it's hard to listen to people around complain about the things they do or spend the way they do knowing there are people desperate and in need in this world. It is hard when you're a mommy to just get on a plane and go and especially since our first calling is to be mommy to our own little "unreached people group" :). It is great that you know that! God is using you daily in ways you may not even realize and there are so many who need Him right where you are! You may be the only light they see today! At the same time though remember that you can go anytime, anywhere, on our knees in prayer!

Jacob Allen said...

"(and maybe a man or two)" -- I guess that's me. :)

I'm much the same way right now. I feel absolutely devastated. My heart is broken, my mind is unstable, and somehow the chord that connects the two is tied in a knot. I don't know what to make of my emotions, and worse, I don't know how to take what I've seen and apply it to my life... I feel a new blog post coming.

We'll get through this together. Reading your blog and Sam's and Lisa's has helped me immensely. Thank you for sharing. God is doing amazing things in all our lives.

Jami Balmet said...

Oh it's good you are feeling this way! It may cause you heart ache but our God is a passionate God and he gives certain people passions for things! It sounds to be like God is really tugging on your heart! It's never easy when he asks us to move. Sometimes it's in a very very big way. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Karen Hammons said...

I was just able to read this and WOW. You shared your raw heart in such a beautiful way. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing it with us. We serve a radical God who calls us to live radical lives. I think most of us forget that. This post was an awesome reminder for us.

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