Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Inadequacies of my soul.

It's a sweet Sunday morning. My girls are all sitting at the table watching their daddy make them Mickey Mouse pancakes. Not for me though, it's oatmeal, I'm a girl on a mission -but that's another post. We are going to the late church service this morning so it allows for a few extra minutes to just sit...drink coffee...and think.

Something I haven't had a lot of time to do lately. Think, that is.

I have to be brutally honest for a second. I'm scared. Out-of-my-mind.

One week from tomorrow, at a very un-godly hour, I will board a plane and head off for an exciting adventure with Compassion International to El Salvador. And as excited as I am about going, I feel a pit in my stomach about leaving my crew for five days.

And not only am I leaving them but I just found out I may not be able to talk to them very much.

I may not be able to know if they are sick, if they miss me or if their daddy can put their hair in a ponytail the right way (Lord, have mercy for the hair while I'm gone).

In the midst of all the preparing for El Salvador, I've also been trying to get ready for the A Woman Inspired Marriage Conference. So of course, you know where the battle has been in my life the past few weeks. Yes, my marriage. [side-bar, there are still tickets available and you won't want to miss this event! click here for more info]

The other night I was out to dinner with some sweet girlfriends and I just laid it all out. Bless their hearts, they got a mouthful from me.

"I just can't do this! My marriage is nothing to look at and I'm supposed to be encouraging other women through this?"

They were super supportive and tried their best to help me to realize that God would be in control..of everything. Every detail. Every step. Every move.

This morning, I woke up and the word..."inadequate" just rang over me. I felt numb, like I couldn't even take a step out of my bed without speaking to God first.

I felt like the Lord said to me, "Nicki, now you are right where I need you to be."

I have never felt confident to speak or even to write. But, I have to be honest with you, the more you do it, the more confident you get in yourself, which I believe is not where God needs us to be.

Just like I am having to relinquish control with my girls to my husband and many sweet friends while I'm gone, I am also having to relinquish control with God more than I have ever.

While I don't consider myself a control-freak, perhaps God is showing me what it's really like to give up the steering wheel and let Him drive...the whole way.

I've been thinking about this quote from Brennan Manning:

"The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust."

Giving up control equals trust.

And my ultimate goal in this life is, Authentic Faith. I believe we should always be thankful for the opportunities to give up control because through that, God can form us into the real person He wants us to be.

I have to trust that God is working...and no matter how inadequate I feel, He doesn't require adequacy to serve Him.

So today, I think you and I should always be on the look for the situations that make us feel the most un-comfortable, out-of-place or inadequate. Thank God for those places, because then we can discover our greater need for a man named, Jesus.

What is the place that God is taking you to depend on Him more?

Much love in Him.


Rachel Clark said...

great blog. As long as God is your focus, things will always work. You live your life serving Him. You are doing the right thing, letting Him lead your path. Be safe and give it all over to God. Enjoy your trip and God Bless!!!

Stacy said...

THANK YOU for this post. I can SO relate to the words of your heart. For most of my life, I have allowed my feelings of inadequacy to keep me from being ALL that Christ has created me to be.

Like you, I am learning (while leaning!) that in our weakness HIS strength is made perfect. When we can't....that's when HE CAN and will.

Let's keep trusting our Jesus and answering HIS call....He will be faithful to do the rest!

Blessings to you-

Louise said...

THat is awesome. Such a great post!
You will do amazing at that marriage conference because you are allowing God to flow through you.
You are a blessing to many people that read your blog... that includes me ;) !!
HUGS, safe travels!!

My Army Brats and Me said...

Love ya girl:)

fighting like a girl

Jenny said...

Hey girl, I know how you feel. When I went to Mexico, I took two of my three girls but I knew when I left my grandfather would more than likely die. (He had been sick for a while). I knew if I went I couldn't come home. It was a roller-coaster of emotions. While that weighed heavy on my heart the hardest part was just letting go of control.

Anyway, I have been guest blogging with the group I went on and I shared a piece I wrote right before I went to Mexico. It might help.

My grandfather did die, and as soon as mom told me I lost cell service for the next 3 days! But God was so good during that time!

I can't wait to read what all you see and hear!