Monday, February 08, 2010

Reaching for Holy Hope.

I found myself this morning seeking God for something I have never whole-heartedly sought after Him for:

Holy Hope.

You see, after weeks of discouragement in this writing process I have cried out to my God, "LORD, do you really need another writer in this world?" and "LORD, do you really need another speaker in this world? I mean, it seems they are in abundance these days."

The answer He has said over and over is, "No. I've got that covered thank you. But there is only one you...and I would like to use you if you would allow me to the way I see fit."

I have never been one who has ever wanted to be someone else. In fact, my mom can vouch for this but I pride myself in doing things in a unique and special way. Except in the first grade, I wanted to be the girl who my Charlie boy was chasing after. {wink} There is no desire to be Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer or Kay Arthur. Although they are great women of faith {literally}, No thank you, I'd like to just be Nicki Koziarz.

But here's the thing. Nicki Koziarz is still trying to get her groove on with Jesus every single day. I have not perfected who exactly God has destined me to be. And I actually get offended when people say things like, "Well how did Beth Moore get her first book published?" Because again, I'm not Beth Moore.

If there is one thing I have learned in my 29 years of life it's this, everyone has a story. Everyone has a purpose and everyone has unique gift that only they can give back to this world. But my confidence is beginning to lack greatly. GREATLY.

In fact so much so that I have been pursuing the question of, "When is it time to hang it up?"

So I found myself where I often do on a Monday morning, on my knees of my prayer closet, crying out to my Abba Father......"I need some hope."

But instead of Him agreeing with my pleas for help, He so gently reminded me that it's not just hope that I's Holy Hope.

Because Holy Hope doesn't fill my soul with false perceptions of who I think I'd like to be. Holy Hope doesn't fill my longings with things of self desire or perfection that is not attainable.

Holy filled with holiness......which can only come from God.

The kind of hope that allowed David to write a prayer like this:

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

Or for Jeremiah to write this:

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."-Jeremiah 17:7

The kind of hope that makes us trust through unanswered questions and prayers. And even the hope that will allow your life to make a drastic course of change if need be.

So that is where I rest my soul today. In that kind of hope. A hope that can change the life of anyone, not just me. It's the hope that really gives us our future.

Ok, so that's me. Raw and Real today. It's not always pretty, it's never perfect but it is attainable. Holy Hope.


Alyce said...

You are admirable for being so genuine and transparent! Take it one day at a time....He's going to show you the way...all of us..I'm waiting too!

jenny smith said...

Good morning Nicki!

I feel your pain, it is hard. However if your like me, the process of writing has helped me so much that if nothing ever happens with it but my own little life was changed, that is worth something.

You are already growing so much since I first met you that I can see the impact you are having on yourself and others!

Keep hoping, He is faithful!

Jenny said...

What a hoot, Chad is working on me a new website and I typed the address wrong.

I don't know about this step it seems to much, but we shall see.

Jami Balmet said...

Hi, I'm your newest follower! I found you off the A Woman inspired website. I can't wait to start reading your blogs!!

Have a fantastic week!

Anonymous said...

I can totally identify with you and the questions you are having. I am searching for a teaching position...have been for over a year now. And, like you, I have been wondering when/if I am supposed to give up my dream.

And yet, I know in my heart that this is the right path for me, as I'm sure God has revealed to you.

You mentioned that "raw and real are not always pretty."

The refining process is ugly as impurities rise to the surface. However, God is there to remove them, revealing the beauty of the transformed heart that lies below.

Hang in there. It's His timing. I know that you know that.