Friday, November 13, 2009

Lord, change me.

This morning I found myself in a desperate need of fresh air from the Lord. After being cooped up for two days with sick kids, I was teetering on the edge of insanity. My closets have been cleaned out, my floors have been swept and the laundry is finally been caught up...all good things, but sometimes a girl just has to breathe!

Between still not having a church home, my husband working super long hours and everything else that is going on in life, I have found myself a little...ok, a lot edgy lately. Throw sick kids on top of that and boom there ya go...insanity.

Because everything that I have always known and how I have always known it, is no more. You could almost say that I've been dealing with a new identity. Or, you could say that to much of my identity was in the wrong things. Good things, but perhaps the wrong things.

But about a year ago, on a prayer retreat...I prayed for the Lord to change me. I wanted to become the woman He always wanted me to be. Little did I know that praying that prayer would mean moving, the girls changing school, finding a new church, my husband starting a new job, joining a new ministry or even finding new friendships.

However painful the process has been, however many spiritual fits I seem to throw and however my heart aches for what I once knew...I know that I will never be the same again. And my friends, I am coming to accept that.

The other night as I was having a mini-meltdown (see my Krakatau post below) through the snot-filled tears I said to my husband, "I thought when God takes away, He brings something better...where is our better?"

He looked hopelessly at me and shrugged his shoulders. He then said something to the sorts of the better just hasn't come yet.

I realize that compared to what some people are going through in life that this all seems meaningless and I may just need a huge dose of "Get over yourself" at times. But this morning I found myself in the book of Ecclesiastes searching for an answer to all this seemingly meaningless stuff.

As I scanned through Chapter 3, a passage I have read many times, for some reason verse 3 jumped out and crawled it's way in my heart:

"a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

The uproot has happened. And the born has happened (no, I don't think it's time to physically die) but the time to plant and the time to die is now.

Wonder what I mean?

I have birthed the person I thought I was. And she was a good person most of the time. But perhaps it's time for an even newer person to dawn. The old must go for the new to shine. The life I once knew has been uprooted and now it is time to plant a new way, new roots and new springs of life.

So yes Lord, I again this morning, prayer retreat or no prayer retreat pray that painful prayer. "Lord change me." Do whatever you have to do to make me become the person I need to be. The old has come and gone and the new is arriving...I accept it and I'm waiting in expectation.

In Jesus name.


More than Survival said...

Yeah, I know what you mean... life has been turned crazy for us too! Last year I started praying "All of you, NONE of me"! Yikes!! Yes, I am glad that God is doing a work in me... but it isn't easy! Hang in there... We can do it... In the name of JESUS!!

Jenifer said...

Bloom, sister, where you are planted!!!

Praying for this new season to bring in a bountiful harvest all for His glory!!

Faith said...

Yes, my friend, it is de-construction and I know what that is like all too well. It is not always fun, but I know it's necesary and I look forward with great anticipation to what God is going to do in both of our lives!

Rebecca Jo said...

Beautifully said... & that's a scary prayer to pray... but I'm sure God will take you up on it!

Something that struck me in the Time to be born, time to die... it doesnt necessarily say its instant... that the times are instaneous after each other... maybe you sit for awhile in one of those areas for awhile before the next "time" comes...

Blessings friend!

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

Oh Faith I like that Very right on girl.

jennifer you are so right...we have to bloom right where we are!

More than survival, Thanks for sharing! it's a tough prayer for sure!! are so right and I never thought about it like that, it's so not instant. love that!

Sharon Brumfield said...

Oh how I understand this post.
Not long ago I heard a pastor talk about the seasons of our life.
He mentioned that one winter was really warmer than normal and he was all excited. When he sat down to talk to a local farmer he was amazed that the farmer did not share his enthusiasm. And this is basically what the farmer said...We need the cold hard freezes of winter. You see down in the ground are bugs and larva that will potentially destroy the harvest to come. But when that cold hard freeze takes place...those bugs and larva die. I am afraid that this coming year the harvest will not be plentiful because we didn't get the freeze we needed.

Back to me.....So I am thanking God for the winter times(which have been pretty blizzard like lately). Thank Him even more profusely when things get really hard...insane hard. Because He is using this time to kill the bugs deep down in us that have the future potential to kill the harvest.
May our lives bring only glory to His name...forever!
Be encouraged girl----He is doing some bug stomping. :)

Rachel Clark said...

I know that just because your "problems" may not be as bad as other, they are still yours and still hold feelings. You have a lot going on in your life. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are on the right track, you are trusting God and relying on Him to provide just what you need. Continue to seek Him, as I know you will and all will work itself out. Can't wait to read the blog you write when "the better" comes

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

I like that Sharon! Bug-stomping ha ha!! :)

Thanks Rachel! I can't wait too!! :)