Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ever question Him? Me too.

My day started super early today...5:20 am to be exact. And I went directly to one place...my knees.

Today is the first day of school for Taylor and Hope in their new school. It's been quite a journey to get to this point today.

I have fought the Lord on this more times than I can count and I still do not quite understand what He is doing through everything we have been through over the past few months.

In fact, there are some tears flowing from these eyes of mine as I write this now.

I just KNEW that God was going to pour down $10,000 last year so that our girls could stay in their school. I prayed, I believed and I searched for Him to answer. But when He didn't...I still trusted. I still knew He had a plan...and He did.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed. It doesn't mean that every time we saw someone from their old school that my heart wouldn't sink when I told them we weren't able to come back. It doesn't mean that I haven't had many sleepless nights wondering what we were going to do and how things were going to turn out.

And it doesn't mean I'm still not standing here with my eyes to the sky saying, "What are you doing right now?"

The Lord also recently showed us that it was time to leave the church we had been at for the past 15 years. Where we both poured our lives into, brought each of our girls since they were two weeks old and where all of the first steps in ministry I took. Our friends, our Sunday school family and all of the girls friends were all in one place...our church.

That....on top of this move, new school and my mom's latest diagnosis with Breast Cancer....has been a lot to absorb.

A LOT.

None of this has been easy. None of this has been fun (except decorating a new house{smiles}) But...all of this, it's God's plan.

But, I know it's God's plan, because it's not mine. :)

He's been refining like never before, He's been stripping my soul down like never before. And He's been doing something new for quite awhile.

Then, I read a quote the other day by Joni Earekson Tada that struck me hard! It said:

"Just when we least expect it [God] intrudes into our neat and tidy notions about who He is and how He works."

And I thought to myself......that is exactly what I feel like the Lord has been doing lately...intruding. :)

Then, I read this verse today: "How great are Your works, O Lord, how profound are your thoughts." ~Psalm 92:5

This morning I am praying it over my girls today... and I realized I've got a lot of nerve to think my way would ever be better than what God is doing right now.

I've got a lot of nerve to think that the God who sits upon the throne of heaven, created this incredible earth and everything in it... And who and holds the number of hairs upon my head would ever let something slip through His hands.

I've got a lot of nerve to be angry, upset, sad or down because God moved in a way I didn't expect.

I got a lot of nerve....and I'm sorry Lord.

And so I take all these tiny notions about who I think God is, and I release them like never before. I trust like never before. I obey like never before. I love like never before. And I live in Him...like never before.

Because God is God....and I am not. His thoughts...they are not mine. And His ways...are unlike any other. I don't question...I trust. I believe because...He gives me faith.

And these girls...they are His....and I only get to borrow them for a short time. So I surrender...all.

So if today, you like me, ever question God...know that you are not alone. But together, in Him, we will overcome all of these trials, frustrations and we will press on because He will give us the strength to do so.

Much love,
~Nicki


10 comments:

On Purpose said...

I love you...thank you for being a mommy so filled with the Real thing...Jesus...cause standing next to you this morning makes my heart beat in tune with His. I will find myself in the same place tomorrow morning...as today is the day before kindergarten on our home! Thank you for typing out your heart and reminding me...who He is!

auburnchick said...

Wow! What a powerful and honest post.

I think we all struggle as life has up's and down's.

I simply do not understand how people who don't have a relationship with the Lord can function through the hard times.

To KNOW that God is in control is such a comfort...even in the midst of chaos. To KNOW that there is order...a plan...when we can't understand or see it...that's comforting to me! I suspect it's also why the lost flounder around...searching for something to grab hold of.

God is so good.

Unreasonable Grace said...

Amen. I still rant and rail and beg and whine at God - a lot. And feel guilty. But then I remember that we are His children, and that's what children do when they don't understand or comprehend. I also take heart that David's prayers (and some tirades) were rather raw and frank - questioning God a LOT - and he was a man after God's own heart. God knows our frame - He remembers that we are just dust. Praise Him for Grace!
kim

JenB said...

Oh girl, it's a THEME! He's drawing you close because you don't have any other choice. To the quiet place of isolation with Him. That's where it all starts. That has to be first and in order before anything else will even work! Just rest in HIM!! Love you!

Jennifer said...

The girlies look adorable!! Praying that it was a great day for all of you!

Kay Martin said...

Oh, yes, He has the perfect way and we have our little minds, eyes and ears. Coming to trusting Him, no matter what is the great challenge.

It is taking me years to come into the full knowing of this.

Lately I've been hearing great men and women call us to enjoy the ordinary and the unexplainable no matter what. The Lord is in control whether we can detect it or not.

Blessings are all in all of this...how do I know? I know He loves you!!!

Thanks for continuing to be REAL.

Joyful said...

I love your heart!!! Oh how I remember that school journey...I think I shared most of it with you awhile ago. Right now God is asking me to trust Him with other surrenders...and it IS hard, but I know it's safe.

Your girls look adorable!!!! Our school doesn't begin until Sept 9th. Enjoying this last little vacation.

Hugs,
Joy

Sarah Martin said...

Hey sweet friend-your writing always inspires me! Can I be a writer like you when I grow up? hee hee

I started thinking about that word,"intrude," that you mentioned. It kinda bothered me, that word... Is God intruding on my life? Oh man, HE shouldn't be! Why?...because He should be so ingrained in my life; He should be my ENTIRE life that when He moves, that movement is not an intrusion, but a free flowing motion that I just tag along with.

Thanks for this!
love you tons!

TammyIsBlessed said...

Those are some wise thoughts. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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