Friday, November 16, 2007

Lord........lead the way

I'm very nervous as I write this post this morning. Wondering what you my readers, family and friends will think as I write these words. But, I realize that where God is taking me is a place where I'm going to have to get over a whole lotta fears. You know I've been talking (writing) on here about the direction the Lord has been leading me. Well, I think I'm starting to get some direction. My friend and sister in Christ, Leigh at Speaking Thru Me, we had a really good talk last night. She really was able to guide me into some steps I need to take to get this whole speaking/writing thing going. She has been through a lot trying to get her ministry up and at em, but the Lord is really starting to give her some visions for the future and she told me about ways I could possibly be involved in it......Lord leading of course.

Since the day I found out I was pregnant with whole world changed. I became a mother very young and went through so much, so many "fires" to get to the point where I am today........where is that may you ask? I'm at a place where I feel at peace, knowing that the Lord uses ALL things for His glory for those who seek him. I had a choice when I got pregnant with her.......I could turn and run from Him or I could run closer to Him. Although there were times I did run, God always grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me tight. The thing is, the body of Christ were the ones who let me down the most, yes, I failed, I messed up and I didn't do things "right", but I was still a daughter of the King and I was still called to His purpose.

Where do I see things heading? After talking to a friend yesterday afternoon about our girls, and the many MANY battles they are going to face, perhaps I may be able to provide a different out-look to those who struggle with sin, sins that haunt them, lead them down a road they didn't plan. Of course I am still and never will be in ANY way perfect, you all know that! But if somehow through Christ, I could help someone know that they don't have to walk around for three years feeling defeated.......what a triumph that would be!!!

Although it causes my heart a lot of pain still to go back to that time of my life.......I know I have to face my fears, I know I have to turn the bad into good. I'm so thankful the Lord has answered this prayer of mine.......someone to come along and guide me through this whole thing. I'm always afraid to push open doors that are wrong and be stuck in a miserable place, but I know I will be equipped to make godly decisions and seek Him out through it all.

I'm scared........I'm scared of the ugliness that goes with ministry, I'm scared of the thought of someone judging me or looking at me the wrong way, especially my hearts intentions........I'm scared of those I know that think I'm not cut out for this.......I'm scared of rejection.......I'm scared of failure. BUT........although I have those fears.....I'm still totally on cloud nine.....waiting in expectation for Him to work in BIG ways. I have to seek Him........I have to seek out others and that's going to mean a LOT of sucking it up! may wonder what's the first step? Well, besides some major MAJOR praying, Leigh is going to help me get some letter's together to send out to MOPS groups, my bible study will be done soon and I'll be sending it to her to get her HONEST opinions and then......I don't know. It will be some time before I can actually apply for Leigh's speaking team because there are many steps to be taken first! I don't have ANY expectations, so, I think that's good.......I really don't have a clue what's ahead. But, I'm so thankful that my sweet Kris is totally behind me on fact he's excited for me. I guess I am truly TRULY walking by faith and not by sight right fears are just going to have to go on the back burner right now!

Well......for today, it's "real-life" for me. Watching friend's kids......but I got to have a break yesterday so I feel refreshed today!! It's amazing what a little time away can do for you! Girl's night tonight with some friends from Sunday School, which I'm so excited about!! And then it's a busy weekend. I leave you with this verse that has spoken VOLUMES to me today:

Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

My eyes are on the goal.......Jesus, the grace of God. It will ONLY be through HIM anything good will come from my mouth. Even though I'm at the start line.......I know my eyes are fixed upon Him. He's running this whole thing, right beside me, cheering me on, leading my steps. He's already finished his race.........and now he's my coach.


Karen said...

Good on you girl. Don't worry about the fears, when your "in it" you don't even know your scared (well except for the first time you have to speak in public)But then again, a strength come over you and you just get through it.

Happy Day!

Aunt Karen

Nicki said...

Thank you Auntie!! I can't wait to see you in a few weeks!! The girls are SOOOOOO excited! Hope has a special project she's working on for you!!! =)

Lucy said...

Wanna know who else wasn't qualified?......Moses, David, Gideon, Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, the other James, Thaddaeus, Simon or Matthias.

Go read Judges chapter 5. Look specifically at verses 11 & 12. Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress......strange place to thresh wheat, wouldn't you say? He was threshing wheat in a winepress because he was HIDING it from the Midianites. He wasn't kicking butt and taking names. He was HIDING. What did the angel of the Lord call Gideon? He called him a MIGHTY WARRIOR.......while he was hiding. What kind of mighty warrior hides from the enemy?!? Go to Romans 4. Look towards the end of verse 17. I love this. What does it say about God? It calls Him "...the God who gives life to the dead and CALLS THINGS THAT ARE NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE." In no way, shape, form or fashion did Gideon or anyone else consider Gideon a mighty warrior. But as far as God was concerned, because He had ordained it, that's what he was, regardless of what anyone else (including Gideon) thought. When God ordains it, it's as good as done.

Nikki, don't give any thought to who anyone else says you are. You aren't even who you may think you are. Go with who/what GOD is ALREADY saying you are.

I came out of a life of addiction and defeated thinking. I was shown the way out. I feel like God has given me a heart for the people who are still there. He most definitely uses the situations that He brought us out of for His glory. Paul was the biggest legalist of his time. God used him to teach grace.

Go for it, girlfriend! I love you!!!

Kim said...

Press on sister - press on! Keep writing, searching and praying. God gave you a natural bent towards those things for a reason. Use those gifts to serve Him.

Leigh Gray said...

go look up Jer. 1:7. I was just saying to the Lord this weekend that I am scared that I am not old enough, experienced enough, smart enough, educated enough, etc................ and then not 2 minutes later the speaker had us turn there. Nicki you read verses 1-9 and stand in awe. He is speaking to us!! Whatever we think we are not - He says HE is and will do through us!!
Keep the eyes open - more confirmations are coming!!

Sharon said...

Yes, I missed it. Don't know how but I did.
He paves the way. If the ministry began in our spirit and not our soul--we won't have to work and push it. He will place us where He planned for us to be before time began. The needs that He planned for us to meet through the gifts He planted in us--will be used to meet the needs in others in His time. That was a mouth full. When He says we are prepared and ready--whatever that ready looks like--He will send us out. You will not have to worry about that. Only worry if you go before He says to. After all --His name is on the line.And according to His record--He can defend His own name and glory.