Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Poor in Spirit

There are very few things in this life that truly send me "over the edge".......however it seems lately this has been happening more and more. It's amazing how the people closest to you can judge, question and look down upon your spirituality. I do not try to be some "super star" Christian. I have DEEP convictions from my Lord regarding my life. The Lord has given me a very sensitive heart......so sensitive I've really questioned whether or not to write on this blog anymore. Why you ask? Simply because you, the reader are free to read and judge and never share your thoughts with ME, never let me know you read my thoughts and go on with your life..... but it seems that there are a few people that read this that feel they need to share their thoughts with "others".

I think of people like Joyce Meyer or Beth Moore and the criticism that they face each and every day. People that don't agree with their philosophies or writing or even the words they speak each day. How oh how do they go on with their ministry??? How do they pick themselves up each day and press on? I've often wondered. Well, I got it just this morning........you see, so many times as I come on here to write I'm so careful not to mention this or that......and I've seen the downfalls when I have mentioned things I haven't even meant to! Sometimes you as the reader and I do it to, we read into it more than there is.

I used to be a person that couldn't stand for ANYONE to be angry at me or upset with something I've done or said.....I still am to a certain point. But what I see is the more deeply I pour myself into God's word.......I am not at fault for standing up for the things HE has shared with me. The thing about God that I will never understand is that what he says to me, he may not say to you and vice versa. I think when the conflict begins is when we start throwing scriptures at each other and saying we are wrong. It's so easy to sit at the other end of a computer and read something and go, "whoa........they are way off" or "how dare her think that". And if I was not deep into God's words each day, I could perhaps understand that thinking. But as a Christian I truly am each day trying to seek the heart of God.......and yes, I make mistakes, I may say things that come across the wrong way and I may react to situations wrong.....in your eyes. But I am not living to please anyone on this earth.

NOW......if I was on her writing about things like Old testament commands and the many mysteries of the bible (which I'm not) then if I was not correct about something of course I would want you to share with me what it was and show me where I could find it. But, this blog.......this is my heart. And excuse me if I am rude....but if you don't like my heart, then don't read my blog. It takes a LOT of guts to get on here and share the personal things of my life and I guess what bothers me the most...it's the people who don't have blogs and never leave a comment that are casting these uncalled for comments/judgements to others.

The main reasons I blog are 1.To journal...that's what the majority of this is. 2.To share what God has shown me with you, the reader in hope of encouragement in your daily walk with the Lord as well 3.To show non-Christians what it is really like to be a Christian: trials and triumphs....to share my innermost thoughts so that they may know who Christ is to me, personally in hopes that they may know Christ too. I do not blog to air dirty laundry, criticize others or tear anyone down......that is NEVER my purpose or to prented to be someone I am not. The encouragement and love that I receive from my readers is just an added bonus....the icing on the cake.

I think in this day and age of our society blogging is a tool......a tool that God can use for His glory and I've seen that, here on my blog and on other's. I've kept up with many people that I otherwise wouldn't have and it's a whole lot easier to come on here and write about everything then it would to have this conversation with everyone I know. It also helps me to see how I can pray for others and encourage them as well. There have been MANY days where I've read something on other's blogs that was exactly what the Lord was saying to me that day.....I find encouragement in that.

I don't share every detail of my life on here.......there are some very personal things that I write out in my journal. And maybe I'm wrong for sharing bits and pieces of things on here and not just being blunt about it. I don't know.....I know I'm seeking God's hands in my life and maybe I was wrong to think blogging was a way for Him to use me. I don't know.....maybe I should keep my relationship with the Lord just as that.....mine. Well, I don't know what direction this blog is going to go.......I really need to pray about it and truly seek God in this. As silly as it seems......yes our God even cares about blogs.


Teri said...


Love ya girl and remember it really doesn't matter what people think or say, you are who you are and God loves you just the way you are...and so do I. :o) It can be hard to hear people judge you and make comments but most of the time those people are just jealous people. Keep doing what you are doing you are an inspiration!

Love ya,

Neva said...

I have been where you are in regard to blogging. I even posted a post once called "Dont Read My Blog"
I decided that it is my blog and so long as it is neither immoral, unethical or unChristlike, I can say what I want, how I want. As for those who judge me, the day they give their child to die for me, well then that is the day I really care what they have to say. That may sound harsh but I have always intended for my blog to challenge, encourage, uplift and educate and so I prayerfully choose my topics and my words. Sometimes those "challenges" may step on someones toes and prick their conscience. If that brings about a change toward a more godly life, praise God.
I come to your site for encouragement and inspiration. I would miss you if you were not here. If others have a problem with your posts---then it is their problem. You just keep on proclaiming the message that our God is alive and well and share with your readers the amazing ways He is working in you!

Karen said...

Gosh Nicki, I hope I have not done anything to offend you!

This may make some people angry but It bugs me when people just throw scriptures around like it is candy, and they don't make one single effort to live the scriptures that they are throwing around. The bible says that they will know we are Christian by our love. Yet I see none of that "love", its just talk.

Yet the way you write, is something that I want to read. I know you, and I think that you are the real thing. Otherwise I would not read your blog. What I like is I can take from what you write and think about it. I like the fact that no one is cramming anything down my throat trying to "save" me. Let me find my way, let me think for myself. A blog allows a person to do that.

If you don't do your blog anymore I really understand. (You know what kind of garbage I been through. Let them back bit all they want. That is against God. At least I know that much. And I refuse to play that kind of game.) But if you do not blog I will miss it. I look froward every morning to reading it. And I would not make any effort to look for another one.

I have a sensitive heart. It can be a trouble some time, but I would not trade for anything. I have been criticized for it. What I say about that is that is my gift, I would rather feel something than be numb.

Well then, I have to get to my math.

A good and happy day to you.

Aunt Karen

CrownLaidDown said...

Praying for your heart, Nicki. You have a very precious one!
Love you much in Christ,

Karen said...

Ok, here is the other thing. You know I spent 20 years in a spiritual community, and then left it cold turkey leaving everyone I knew behind. (For other readers, it had a cult like quality, and I needed to get out) I left with not one friend. How would you like to spend 20 years of your life and not have a friend?

Nicki, you blog is like a friend to me, and I would sorely miss it. It connects me to other people. I hope there will be a entry tomorrow.

Aunt Karen

Sharon said...

If God has big plans for you---then don't you think He is going to have to do a little training before He puts you out there?
Our hearts have to remain sensitive to hear the Lord.Sometimes satan uses that sensitivity against us. Beth says that if you close yourself off from people you close yourself off from God.
What comes out of a persons mouth is what is in their heart.
If a person is not acting in love--then the truth is not in them. I am not saying that they are not Christians--but the Holy Spirit is not leading them or filling them.
God allows all things in our life--even the pain.It is all to be worked together for our good.
Now--I can say these things because I was pulled into a Christian group of women that I later found out were talking behind my back. Most of their scorn was about my relationship with God. It hurt because it was really the first time I had opened myself up with no reserve.God has massively used that past experience in my life.
Remember how close Jesus was to His disciples?
Imagine how He felt when He heard the words of Peter as he denied Him.
Sometimes I think these situations are tests to see if we will allow Satan to sit us down and shut our mouths.
Other than that I think God is giving us plenty of opportunities to practice keeping our eyes on Him and His approval.
Man's approval is alluring.
It is the spiders web and it will suck you dry eventually.
We won't stop hurting. Jesus didn't. But He will in our weakness make us a mighty force for His glory. I know you want that and so do I.
I will not let the stripes that others inflict turn me away from the job God set in advance for me to do.
Thank Him for the pain that keeps you heart tender. When our heart is tender and not bitter--we hear HIS voice so much better.
So see satan thinks he has won a little victory when we hurt--but--actually he has just opened us a clearer line between us and the SPIRIT of the Living God.
Now that is something to praise about!
I love you girl!
You will live and not die!

Kim said...

Blog on girl...look what an encouragement you have been to me. Had you not blogged last year, I would have never gotten to know you as well and the skit that we did at Parent Meeting may have never come about - Jesus faced the most critics of anyone. Count the good that it has done and IGNORE the rest. Love you -

Leigh Gray said...

Friend - rise above!!! Keep writing. You have better things ahead of you and this is YOURE outlet!! Oh how my motives have been questioned so many times. Sometimes for good reason, but other times no reason other than jealousy... women are tough!! hang tough and keep writing!!!

love you!

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