Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Oh Lord, sweet Lord, you're getting me ready

Today my heart is so heavy, not for myself or anything going on in my life right now. Just this week I have heard of two deaths in our church, what seems to me as senseless deaths, very un-expected, lives changed forever. I often have wondered why things like this seem to happen and often have a great fear in my heart that something could ever happen to someone I am very close with. I have never lost anyone that I was extremely close with. I've lost grandparents and extended friends and family, but never my best-friend, a child or anything like that. Many times I am so grateful that nothing tragic has happened in our lives but then I also worry what could be coming up. My brother gave us a huge scare a couple of years ago, but God has completely healed him and we knew that God would the whole time, it was just hard. But then I often think, "Oh Lord, what's around the corner? Is there something coming up?" And I know that Satan would love more than anything for me to sit and dwell on that one.

I know we all cringe at the phone ringing past 10pm at night and fear the unknown but I feel like God is preparing me.........and I don't know if that makes sense or not. NOT that I think something bad is about to happen to anyone I know or love, I feel like God is saying constantly in my life, "Be ready Nicki, get ready." I've also begun to have this overwhelming sense of things that "don't matter". Life is so short and for me to dwell on "things" that don't matter, is so selfish of me and it's not what God requires. I think about how much time in life I have wasted........how much time I have let slip me by rather than soaking it all up. I think about where I invest my time........and last night I was praying, "Sweet Lord, make this house thing go quickly so I can start pouring my life back into you." I have felt so much of my focus lately has been on a house.....in which this is requiring a lot of our time and attention right now, but I long to get back into a normal routine, early quite times and deep and I mean deep searching of my Lord's heart. So please don't think I am being impatient and I want it my way right away......that's never my motive. This has been a long and I mean long process.....in which I'm very thankful for, had it been so easy, I would've never seen how much I miss serving my Lord.

Christ has humbled me a great deal. I was talking to our cabinet painter last night and I was telling him how much God has changed Kris and I's heart. After living in a 2600 sq ft house in a prime neighborhood and great people all around........to a 1400 sq ft house in a neighborhood that could be considered "iffy". There have even been things that I have seen that I have said, "Oh sweet Lord, what are we doing?" But then I had to stop........because that is not what this is about, it is not what life is about. I've kept reminding myself through each trial that this is the house that God sent us........so obviously HE knows what he's doing. But this is so much more than about a house........and I hope I've made that clear, there have been a LOT of other things that have been going on in our lives too. It's just been an added stress that I'm ready to throw away!!

I'm very nervous about this prayer retreat coming up Thursday morning. I guess I'm a little fearful to see what else God is going to require from me. oooooo.......does that sound selfish or what??? I feel like so much that has happened this week in my life and in other's lives has been a reminder to me........you never know what's around the corner. I want Christ to require more from me, I want Him to set me apart, to call me, to lead me, to guide me. I never ever want to let Him down again......even though I know I will, I can stand on the promises of His words in my life.

Ok, I have to know who prayed for Kennyboo yesterday??? Someone reading this is a MIGHTY prayer warrior!!! She is walking!!! It is the craziest thing!! Yesterday after we got home from our day in the car! (lot's of running around) she just up and decided she was crawling NO MORE. My other two girls NEVER did it like this.......but she just took off!!! So thank you, whoever you are.......please let me know!! It's so cute, she's like a little penguin!! And peace has surrounded me that she is OK!!!!

Well, better go, lot's to do again today......no energy though! =) Have a blessed day, I love you!! I hope my heart comes across this is the way it's meant to be, sometimes my words don't do justice to how I am feeling........anyways, I hope it all makes sense......I'm very humbled and still very fearful of our Lord (a fear of reverence)..........I think right where He wants me at this moment.


Sharon said...

Sweet little footsteps---blessings from the Lord.

Nicki said...

I don't know what happend to your comment but NO WAY you did not offend me girl!! =)

Leigh Gray said...

hey girl - anyone I would know that died?? I hate hearing about that this way and knowing many people at the church. Let me kow if you think I should know.

Footsteps - see no red flags needed to go up!!! He hears our prayers!!

you are going to have the most unbelievable time at the prayer retreat you have ever had in your entire life!!!!!!!!!! it will absolutely knowck you off your feet to your face, but that is such an awseome thing!! I am excited for you and jealous too!! Have a blast with Him. He has you at such a great place to really hear from Him!! Oh if i could only tell you more!!! You will just have to wait and see!!

Love you so!