Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A woman at odds with the world.......or so it seems

I have to be honest for a second and tell ya'll that I could totally skip my quite time today. Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like everyone in the world is against me......and not just the Christian School thing....that's so just, whatever. Kris and I just can't seem to agree on much of anything lately. Price range, realtor's, lenders, neighborhoods.........it just all seems so very up in the air. The biggest problem I have, and I'm sure there are many women who can relate to this.............I have been praying my soul out about this whole house thing. I believe that as Christians we should deal with other Christians when it comes to matters like this. I believe that God will lead each person that is involved to the right loan, the right house and the just the right thing. My husband, I don't want to say he doesn't feel that way because I don't know if he does, he's not expressing that he does, but so far this whole situation feels more like a spiritual warfare thing then it does simply looking for a house. I know I might have gotten some rolling of the eyes with that last sentence, but I'm serious ya'll............it seems like everything is just way to complicated, way to messy and way to "not the way it's supposed to be".

I asked Kris several times now, are you praying about this? Are you asking God to lead you? And his response was ya, once. ONCE. Here I have been every day praying my guts out waiting for God's perfect direction and just trusting in the Lord. Kris is a very practical person, as I am too, but I also know when to stop trying to be practical and trust in the Lord. (or at least I think I do!!!) So what's a girl to do??? I guess the same answer I've been getting through everything.....pray. I understand the whole submission thing.......but I don't know why, well no, I do know why.......but submission right now, it's very hard, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to let us fall into something wrong again because of a lack of spiritual guidance on the "other person's" part.

And I have to say, I'm just about burned out with this situation with my brother. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I'm just tired of dealing with it. He's got some major decisions that he has to make and I support him through this problem that he's facing or should I say, problems, but there has to come a point where I have to draw the line. My mom is not drawing the line, and it's making it very hard for me to even be around her............therefore living in her house is becoming extremely hard. It's also really hard because I have these three sets of ears that are always listening, and six big blue eyes watching how their momma reacts to everything, and I don't want them to know exactly what's going on with him. They just know that he is not well.........and that's enough for them. But I know they are picking up on things here and there and it's just really hard.

So, it is not well within my soul this morning...........not at all. I will not pretend it is either. But what's a woman to do on mornings like this? Where do I run? Where do I turn? I simply turn to the cross. I lay it all down and I walk on in faith. (easier said then done) You know something I just don't understand......on Friday I was just about at my breaking point and I really felt like God stepped down and answered some huge concerns of mine, I immediately gave him all the glory and even called a sweet friend of mine who has been praying me through this situation to rejoice with her over what God had done............and then yesterday, I was like, Ok God where are you now? Why are things going this way when you directed them another way? Is it because we are working with a person who is not under your authority? Oh that makes my stomach turn..........

Perhaps this whole process is once again a heart lesson for me........but Lord oh my sweet Lord, why can things not EVER be simple??? I guess a good answer for that would be that we do not have a simple Lord. He lived a simple life, yes, but his purpose was anything but simple. It was glorious, magnificent, amazing and truly anything but simple. It was not simple for him to die on the cross, it certainly was not simple for him to be born!! oh goodness no!! =)

Part of me just doesn't even want to buy a house again. It's like the whole process isn't ANY fun. So far it's just been a lot of people disagreeing with each other and me caught right in the middle. Kris seems to always take the sidelines in situations like this. Why? I don't know, it's certainly NOT because I'm taking the lead.......I have desperately tried to make him see. It doesn't make me love him any less, or be angry with him.........it's not frustrating for HIM, it's just frustrating for me.

Ok, I'd better go, I've got a baby who doesn't seem to know the word NO all of a sudden (she keeps turning the computer off) and two girls that are about to strangle each other in the other room! Oh sweet Lord, please make this day turn around. So much for my early quite time this morning!!! I will try it at nap time!! I pray that you have a blessed simple day!! =)

Walking by Faith and NOT by sight (or emotions),
~Nicki

9 comments:

Sharon said...

I hear your words and so many of then have found a place in heart at one time or the other.
Can life never be easy?
Where is God?
Does my husband realize we are in a spiritual battle?
So many questions at times with seemingly no answers.
I want to sit in the middle of the floor and say ....take me now Lord!
But...silence.
I heard someone once say that the teacher teaches and then he is quiet while the students take the test.
There have been many times of silence during the last two years of my life.Times when I made and A+ and then times when I put down my pen and decided would rather go out on the play ground and play with the world.
I would come back to find my test marked not with an F--but with...REDO.
What I keep trying to remind my soul of is the fact that God has a very important job for me here and in eternity. I can get caught on small details and worry or remind my stubborn soul(the seat of my emotions)that this life is about preparation.
I am not aware of the problem with your brother. Just remember that some battles are ours to fight in the Spirit and some Jesus just asks us to lay at His feet. If you ae a fixer like me--sometimes we take on things God did not ask us to take on.
The husband thing. When is the last time ya'll went some place and had fun just the two of you? Don't talk about money or the house--just remember who you were before.
Sometimes with a husband who is very laid back--it makes life hard. I have to remind myself not to take on responsibilities God gave my husband. If God has given you the job of prayer for your family right now--just do it. There will be small victories along the way.
Remember we will enjoy the promised land when we get there because we have experienced the dessert.

Valarie said...

OH GIRL!! Let me just give you my "God Calling" devotion for today!! GET READY!!!

"Little Frets" (title)
"Your lack of control is not due to the big burdens, but to your permitting the little frets and cares and burdens to accumulate. If anything vex you deal with that get that righted with Me before you allow yourself to speak to, or meet anybody, or to undertake any new duty. Look upon yourself more as performing My errands and coming back quickly to Me to tell Me that message is delivered, that task done. Then with no feeling of responsibility as to result (your only responsibility was to see the duty done) go out again, rejoicing at still more to do for My Sake."

Girl, I hope that helps you some. I love this book and it really makes me feel like God is talking directly to me each day! I'm praying for you and I feel your pain.

BTW - my man is a mortgage consultant at Wachovia. Let me know if you want his # for a quote! haha

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tisha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tisha said...

Hey - I wanted to email you about something but couldn't find your email address anywhere. Do you have my email address from cheerleading? If so, email me and I will email you back.

Tisha

Nicki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nicki said...

To whomever left the anonymous comment.......I am not in a snow storm waiting for God to pull me out, I'm standing in His presence holding on for victory, listening to Him guide me each step of the way, and that does require action, and I will always trust in Him for everything and EVERY detail of my life. It is when we fail to give God ALL details do we truly fail to give God control of the whole situation.

Tisha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Neva said...

Nikki
Thanks for visiting in the light. Just wanted you to know I came by and first of all, your girls are beautiful and secondly, I said a prayer for you, all transition times are difficult and we mommas are effected by anything and everything that effects those we love.
Have a restful sleep and a glorious day tomorrow.
Peace
Neva