Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A very late start

Well, my morning was going to be smooth and I was going to have my quiet time early, before everyone was up, but of course Ms.Kennyboo thought she'd like to join me......and then as I got up I found a house full of people still, a drain clogged, laundry piled everywhere and soon after three hungry girls. My brother Mike is now here at my mom's....long story, he's on the couch! So, it's a full house which means it's getting harder and harder to find time alone with my Lord. But, it's ok, I know God understands these circumstances. I actually think I might have to really start praying and reading God's word at night, something I'm not very found of, because I feel the Lord speaks to me the most in the morning.

Yesterday was a great day. We took the girl's to the zoo. They had such a good time. Even Kennedy loved seeing the animals and it was just a perfect day weather wise, not to hot. Saturday my mother in law kept the girls (THANK YOU) and Kris and I went to a wedding. It was ok.......we found ourselves once again with not a whole lot to talk about, but many things to argue about! Sometimes we are just on other sides of the planet, where I don't feel connected to him. That is so the case right now. I feel like Kris doesn't understand a lot of the stress I'm dealing with right now. And it's ok, I'm not asking him to, but it would help for him to see the reasons behind my moods!!! =)

I'm so afraid to weigh myself........I just don't even want to know. I know it's bad, I feel yuck. But, I'm not here to serve some cheese with my whines this afternoon! I came on here to share something big God revealed to me yesterday. I have had a situation that I have been dealing with in my heart for quite some time now. It's really been eating me up, I don't talk about it on here because I do believe there are some things that are very personal that should be just between you and the Lord. But God really showed me that I've got to let this thing go. And it's got to go FAR AWAY from me. I was reading this verse in Psalms and it truly spoke to me........Psalm 55:1-2 "Listen to my prayer O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught." That is exactly how I've been feeling through this situation. That God is just not hearing me. That he's ignoring me.

I've been crying out to God, "Do you not think that this is really messed up?" "Do you not understand how hurt I am?" but once again, I see that just because another person sins, I cannot allow them to rule my emotions because then I fall into sin. And that is exactly what has happened. I just had to tell my Lord I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that another person's sins have caused me to stumble and fall. That's not their fault......that's mine. And I'd better step up and claim that it's mine or else.............

I even went so far into thinking that I never wanted to go into ministry because I'm so afraid of getting hurt by others. And I felt like God was saying, "Well then.......go on." As harsh as that may sound.....I truly felt like God was just so over me coming to him with my complaints and trying to justify my feelings. Like I've even gone far enough to say that the reason I've gained a few pounds is because of this living situation. NO, the reason I've gained weight is because I'm choosing to eat the wrong things again. And yes, it may be out of "get something fast" kinda deals, but it's still my choice.

I allow to many "situations" and people to rule my feelings. It's got to stop. My joy....my hope......it can only come from God. And not only from God, but through my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This verse.........oh my friend........this verse says it all, Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." I do not have to be everyone's friend.......I do not have to feel like I must justify my feelings or convictions to anyone........I do not have to like everyone at HGBC.........BUT, I have to be able to stand before my Lord knowing that I am all that HE has intended me to be. He does not intend on me questioning Him, holding things deep in my soul or finding my heart full of doubt. Oh no........THAT is not my God. My God is so much bigger than that. He is so much better than that. He is so much MORE.

So, I have cast that care upon Him for the final time........I WILL NOT allow a feeling or person rule my thinking. I am under the authority of the King and HE has set standards for me in my life and whether or not they are the same standards you hold in your life, it's not for me to judge.............I only can know that I have to be able to stand before Him with a clean, pure intentional heart. Sorry.........didn't mean to get off on a preachin tangent this afternoon, but what can I say???!!!! =)

Well, laundry and girly's still await this day. And I guess I'd better mop the floor......you know baby knees are the BEST way to tell if it's time to mop!!! =) When they are covered in dirt it's a good sign!!! Have a SUPER BLESSED, AWESOME FILLED TO THE BRIM DAY!!!!


CrownLaidDown said...

So what I hear you saying is that once you cast that thing, don't reel it back in? :) 'Smiling and in your corner, Girl!

God has a place for you and a ministry and maybe some leesons in between. I look forward to reading what He teaches you, Nicki. He loves you so much and has something big in store, it comes with a side of grace. So don't get down on yourself about your eating, just make one change today and keep walking in that direction...turn that baby up.

No, we didn't camp...I love to do that, though. We stayed in a lodge with a private hot tub called Timber Creek Chalets. It was an impromtu stay, so we had to go and buy toothbrushes and such. I think we need an emergency last-minute-decision kit in our car.

Praying for you, Nicki. He's got something wonderful in store...know that and enjoy in process in-between. There are some gems to be had!
Love ya!

Sharon said...

When I was 18 and going to Bible college in TN--God told me He was calling me to the ministry.
I told Him--NO WAY!
My parents had been in the ministry and we never had much money. I was not going to be poor.
Then God gave me some time on my own--it was a miserable time in my life.
But--about 10 years go I came back and told Him--I'm in! So i am in the preparation stage. I have a small women's group at my church. We are about 75 people total at my church on Sunday morning. We are a small church. We just have to practice being faithful with whatever He gives us. One session I drove 45 minutes for one woman.
Can He trust you to be found faithful in the ministry of your marriage?
I can not stress how important it is for ya'll to have time when you are not talking about anything serious. Talk about your dating years. Or before the girls came along. During the day--think about those times. Or romantic times that you have had together. Where the mind goes--the body will follow.
You may have to tell your mind to shut up. You need your man. And your man feels fulfilled when he is "taking" care of you and you are happy. You may have to take your moods to God and us for awhile.
Who is the one who controls your expectations? If God is giving you your expectations--you won't be disappointed.
There is so much I could write.I have been through so many years of discouragement in my marriage. But things are good now.
I am praying for you. I know it is hard living in the house and not having your own house. But--what if God knew you had to go through this time to make changes in you for the ministry He has for you?
Like Joseph in jail--God was building on the inside what he would need to be second in command.
So--will you walk through this jail time with a positive attitude knowing that the teacher knows what He is doing or make God prolong the teaching time because we did not get it?
Let us both get an A+ on this test!

Lu said...

Thanks for the comment on morning sickies! Your girls are beautiful! Great blog/post! I will come back often!