Sunday, December 17, 2006

The heart of patience

I normally don't write over the weekends, there isn't time, but my heart is so frustrated that I just have to vent somewhere. God MUST be teaching me patience, it's the only thing I can relate to all of this madness this weekend. It seems like every phone call, I'm placed on hold, every conversation I have with anyone, I don't get the answer I need or want, Every door I try to open, it's just not opening. I've had three different conversations the past two days with three different people and after each conversation I was like, "what on earth did they just say?" So if EVERYONE around me is acting crazy, there must be something going on in my heart for me to perceive things this way. =) Do you ever feel this way?

I know God knows all of my concerns. I know He's got it all worked out. I know He's leading me into his perfect plan.....I'm just so afraid to make a mistake again and not be aligned with God's will that I think it's sending me into a panic. Well, not panic, but sending me into a frenzy. (if that's even a word) The only thing I can think of is, I must be getting close to a lot of these answers to many concerns and Satan is trying to fog my mind. And it's working. Even in my dreams last night, I woke up disturbed. (oh please don't think I'm ready for the looney bin!)

I've just got a lot on my mind and my heart. Big concerns that need to be answered. But again, who am I to keep running to God and demanding answers to my greatest problems??? Yesterday I sat outside during this beautiful weather we've been having and I just looked up to the sky and said to God, "This isn't what Christmas is all about...This isn't what life is all about...It's all about YOU, it's not about me." I just have not been able to get into the Christmas "spirit" this year, and I'm just not sure why. Last year this time was so precious to me as we were preparing for the arrival of Kennedy. I remember my bible study group was going through a Beth Moore study, I think, Jesus the one and only?, and it was really easy to feel all the things that Mary must have felt, since I was very pregnant Christmas day. I just remember it being so real to me. Maybe the problem is, I've been spending my whole quite times looking for answers in God's word to all these problems I have. (which isn't bad either) But maybe this week I really just need to turn back to the book of Luke, focus on the birth of our saviour and surrender it all to Him.

I'm so glad it's Sunday, I so look foreword to church! We are all going, since the kids have been on antibiotics now 3 days they should all be ok. Hopie is looking much better, Kennedy is back to her normal silly self and Taylor is still a little sick but I think she should be better this morning. Well, Thanks for letting me vent...I know...not interesting writing today!!!! Have a very blessed, patient Sunday!!!!

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