Sunday, August 13, 2006

Much on the mind............

It's about 9pm and I just have so much on my heart today. I don't know why, well I do know, I'm under attack. I don't really remember how much I've shared with ya'll about this bible study that I've been writing. I've felt lead for almost a year now that God was calling me to write and lead a bible study for women. Well to make a long story short I'm finally obeying God's calling to me. And I have to say that it's very freeing to be in God's hands and doing His work but it's also very draining because I feel like I'm under constant attack from satan. We've had a good but busy weekend but I've found myself seeing a lot of things in my life that I really don't like right now. This world is a cruel place, my eyes are so open to those that are lost, and when I say lost I mean those that don't have a personal relationship with the Lord. What do you have if you don't have God has been my question? Well, my eyes have been opened. You have greed, lust, lack of respect (for God and those that love Him), pride, lies, gossip and the list goes on. I think sometimes I get into a mode where I'm surrounded by Christians at church, friends, my parents, my neighbors and just the every day people that we talk to. But then we you come across a non Christian and spend time with them it's like you see all of the bad things again and it's so like dissatisfaction to your soul. It makes me sad because I want others to have that passion that I have for God. I'm so passionate about my walk with God and I want to pour myself into others lives but then I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the thirst that I have will be quenched by the "ugh........." In the world. I think about my girls and I think about the fact that I'm not so sure they don't think everyone in the world loves Jesus. This morning Hope and I were sitting on the porch while I was drinking my coffee and she was pointing to every car saying Look, they're going to church and they're going to church and we're going to church, Everyone goes to church. My heart sank because I really had to stop after all my uh-huh's to her and say, You know Hope not everyone goes to church. She really didn't seem to care, so that's as far as the conversation went. The truth hurts. And how much more must the truth hurt God. After all He sees so much more than I do in my little world and if I feel even this little amount of sadness, how sad His heart must be. I don't believe God is depressed or anything like that and I really believe that He rejoices with us through the victories we have found through Him. But oh, just how sad my heart was to tell little Hope that no, not everyone loves Jesus, He must be just heartbroken everytime a soul turns from Him. I don't know how people do it, God is such a constant part of my life and my every day He's always right here with me, walking beside me, leading me, guiding me, freeing me. I just can't imagine my life without Him. Life would be nothing without Him. I would have no rhyme or reason to my life. I'm praying for God's direction through this study and other things I have on my heart. But I just know that no matter what I do, I want God to use me. These days of mommy this and mommy that are going to pass, there will come a day when these girls will be grown and gone. And if I only pour all of my life into them, what will I be when they are gone? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want to pour my life into them to mold them into the young ladies they will be, but I guess what I'm saying is, my cup is overflowing and I need to pour it out more. So tomorrow is a new day, I know Sunday is the first day of the week but I always feel like Monday is, so tomorrow is a new week to. I'm excited to see what the rest of the book of Job brings to my heart. If there is any way I can pray for you please e-mail me and let me know. It would be an honor for me to pray for you. You are important to me and even more important to God. My prayer tonight will be that God will wake me up EARLY while the house is quiet and still. Have a good night everyone!!!

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