It was one of those days....
I woke up to an empty side of the bed, which screamed perfect "Marriage mess."
I sadly climbed out of bed and strolled into the bathroom and tripped over shoes, clothes and what not, that were supposed to be put away. It was a perfect "Child Mess".
A feverish child and two parents needing to get to work led to a lovely exchange of brutal facial expressions. I threw into the pile on that side of the bed labeled "marriage mess".
As I made my perfect cup of coffee I noticed it tasted odd. Like watered down odd. Popping open the top of the coffee pot I would see my perfect mistake...the filter was swooshed down. What a mess! Great, "Perfect Coffee, Perfect day."
Rushing one child out the door without even a kiss on the head, but taking the time to stick a perfect hair bow in her hair. Another one clinging to my leg and screaming about her stinkin sippy cups. I took a deep breath and tossed her as well into the "Child Mess".
Pulling up my hair and noticing my messy roots and flaws all over my face. I was "perfectly flawed" in every way. I was a "Beautiful Mess".
As I pulled out of my driveway it was indeed the moment to notice our lawn. It was a perfectly "lawn mess". That of course allowed me to toss another "thought" into my perfect marriage mess.........you can figure that one out!
Heading towards my destination, work, I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a friend's car there. I thought.....that's odd...why is she here?
Having a light-bulb moment, "OH MY GOODNESS......It's Hope's chapel.....and she's getting an award."
I started to cry as I thought about my schedule and how her daddy was home with the other one. No one would be there to see her get her "perfect award". And what kind of momma forgets about something like this?
But wait....I cleared my head. "If I can do A,B and C, then yes, I will shoot in there just in time to see her smiling face on that stage and ask a friend to snap a picture.....and it will be....perfect!"
Rushing here and there I made my way into the sanctuary. I sat down with the hopes of my girly's "perfect moment". The time came. They talked about all that this award meant to these kids, what good "Kingdom Choices" they are making and how super they are all doing. And for a moment, just a moment, my heart was happy. Because at least everything else was a mess.....but me and Hopie, we had this perfect "moment".
Name after name was called. Smile after smile was lit up on each child's face. I sat on the edge of my seat waiting anxiously.
And my Hopie's name was never called.
Sadness began to stir in my soul. Especially when my girly started crying.
Her teacher apologized and apologized, she didn't know what happened!
But, I did. It was God, speaking.
As my heart sank and I looked around at all the other mom's snapping their pictures away at their "perfect moment" and here I sat with my sad girly....tears began to fill my eyes.
Walking back to my pre-school music room, alone and broken hearted, but not over some silly award. I looked around my classroom and thought of the bodies that would soon be filling it. And how I would have to put on my "perfect smile". But how truly imperfect my life was.
The mask would be put back in place and for a moment, I breathed a sigh of relief.
It seemed to me that faking it was easier than dealing with reality.
The mask was comfortable and something I was familiar with.
It hides the hurt from friendships gone wrong. It hides the truth in a home that seems to fall apart daily. It hides the frustrations of motherhood. It hides the secret longings in my heart. And most importantly, but not to be easily mistaken, it hides my true feelings.
Oh, this is not fun. Bearing my soul this way.
But God has shown me so clearly that being real isn't about bearing a soul.....or "opening up".....or even taking off the mask.
What's real in our lives is Him. He is the one constant truth in everything we do. The rest of the world will waver to and fro but He is always the same.
Yesterday. Today and of course, Tomorrow.
Yes, it seems lately that I am indeed up for "Perfect Mess of the Year" in every aspect of my soul. It will surely be an award to proudly display on the wall!
As I thought about this day, and all that had occurred. I truly began to ask myself, "Is this what life has become? Being a "Perfect Mess"?
Because if so, then let's PLEASE just call it day. All of us.
These truths are of course all wrapped in love from the book "Behind Those Eyes" by Lisa Whittle.
In which I'm discovering how badly we need to delete this word "perfect" from our vocab. I am amazed at how many times a day, I say it, my girls say it and the rest of the world says it.
People don't want to be around us because our lives our perfect. If they do, then there is something wrong with that.
People want to be near us because they are drawn to what's inside of us. People, will love us, because of who Christ makes us. People will hate us because of what this world makes us.
"Ms. Perfection....you can have a seat. Take the side-line because you've done enough damage."
Praise God that our identity is not found in a Student of the Month award! Praise God that our identity is not found in the house we live in, the car we drive and how clean we are! Praise God that our identity is not found in a pay check, a credit card or a name brand!
Praise God that our identity is found in Him!
"Create in me a pure heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10
Monday, October 27, 2008
It was one of those days....