Baby Steps each day

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble he will not fall for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

Baby steps is what God keeps telling me over and over....the minute, no the second I think I'm ready for these big girl steps, the Lord oh so gently reminds me that I am not there. And then I wonder if we are ever ready and what are "big girl steps"?

I am so tired, I hardly slept at all last night, the girls are up and are getting under my skin as I write this......this is a perfect knock on the head for me that I should've been up over an hour ago to meet God this morning! Ugh..none the less here I am.

Bear with me...I have a lot on my heart today and I pray that it is not taken in the wrong way on this blog, please don't let this post be a "skimmer", read it all or none, please......Last night was bible study, and it went great, I think. At least, I stuck to my notes and stayed focused, but I don't know......I think there was, well, I know there was somethings in my heart that weighed very heavy, and I was having a hard time letting them go and just be used by God. There was a great turn out again, and even some new people which is always great! We talked about Principles 2 and 3, the Love, Honoring and Respecting your husband and Nurture your children. Since this class has a wide range of women and no one is in the exact same walk of life, I tried to focus more on the type of woman Mrs.P31 is rather than these roles specifically. The book digs deep into them so I figure those that want to go deeper specifically can read it, but I've got to make everyone feel apart during class.

I actually came home and sat and cried for a bit.....despite my heart's feelings of defeat, the Lord oh so gently an oh so sweetly blessed me with another incredible donation to the She Speaks conference right there in that moment.....the donation was incredible, but the words that came with the card.....the truly moved my spirit to calm and peace. And I'm so rejoicing because I'm totally at my amount needed for this scholarship!! THANK YOU ALL!!!

However, for some reason, even though it's not been a spirit of pridefulness or anything like, I have felt like I have to prove something to some people in our church. But I think I realized last night, that it was me who was having to prove something to someone......me. Through several circumstances this week I have felt more inadequate, not ready and just overall very negative in this process. I mean ya'll....in a church with over 15,000 members there are some AMAZING women who are leading, the standard is very high. But I totally realized last night.......that's not from God......that's a complete lie from the enemy. He, the enemy, wants to make me feel inadequate, failing and just not ready for this so that I will focus on those thoughts......and I know I am ready, because God has given me the words to say and filled my heart with a longing and passion for Him.

When I got pregnant with Taylor at the age of 19, so many people shunned me.....and I still feel that way from some. And I think what's been so hard for me.......is that I'm still at the same church with the same people, and even though God has done a mighty work in my heart......some people may or may not want to see it. I've always had this strong calling on my heart, I led bible studies in high school, went on mission trips and always have written.....I know that even though I stumbled, I fell.....I still fall, I know that God has said, "It's time. Pick up yourself and let's go." I guess some memories will never leave me....and maybe they are not supposed to, maybe God wants to use that to continually keep me humble and keep me compassionate.

Although I am not a bible scholar or haven't been to seminary and yes, this is my first "teaching class" at our church.......I realized that only through God's grace and His power have I been completely turned around and picked back up. HE has raised me up, HE has given me hope......HE has given me a heart that longs for righteousness and godliness in my life.....but it has all come from obedience to Him. Day by day, walking these steps....baby steps, simple steps. I have walked steps of lowness and darkness....but they have filled my heart with compassion for other women and a desire to bring other women to the heart of God.....completely.

That's why I just loved this verse this morning......it was just what I needed. None of this is for my glory, my name or anything like that.....I am no one. That is perfectly clear to me. But I serve a great God, a God with an incredible name..Jehovah. I don't want to be Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer or Priscilla Shiller (oh I know I spelled that wrong).....although they are incredible, and I mean incredible women.....I just want to be Nicki. And it's only through baby steps that I'm going to figure out what "Nicki's" style is....I can tell you this......I know my passion is for women to leave the darkness and walk in the light!

Everything I do....I never, ever want to shame the name of God. Never. I don't want to "follow" anyone, I don't want to "copy" anyone, I don't want to try and prove things to anyone....I just want to love others, love their ministry's, love their desires to follow God's call upon their lives and rejoice with them as God brings their call's and their desires to place! It's something to shout it out about!! Yes, I am young.....but that passion is there. And I'm not experienced, or anything like that....but that passion is definitely there and it's definitely from the Lord.....I could never do anything for my own glory....never.

My Sweet God,

Thank you again for the sunrise that comes up through the trees right now. Thank you for the breath of life you have given me today. Thank you for this home, this incredible husband, these sweet girly's......but God, thank you for your word that you have spoken to me about this morning.

Lord, I am no one.....I have done nothing incredible......I have a strong passion and desire for you, that's it. Lord, I thank you for those women who came last night. They were like little streams of fresh water to my soul. Their eyes were filled with their hearts, and I just loved to look at them. God they are so beautiful and they all have so many incredible stories, gifts and talents. Thank you for allowing my territory to "expand" so that I can learn from them.

There are so many people on my heart this morning, like Sumi, the sweet momma Lysa mentioned on her blog yesterday. I pray for her and her whole family today. Her story has touched my heart more than I ever knew, she is incredible godly, seeking you out type of woman......even in the midst of it all. Even in the midst of it all, she is willing to surrender her sweet little girl.

I think of all those I know that are dealing with hurt hearts today......Lord it is many, and you know them all by name. You know each of your children by their names and you call them oh so gently. I praise you for the victory some friends have had, in turning their darkness into light!! I praise you for the masks that are slowly coming off and people who are opening up their lives for YOU to work though. Your word says that you work all things out for the good......and that is what I claim today.

Walk beside me all day, be in my steps and Lord, just as this verse says, "Hold me with your hand".....what a precious thought Lord, to know that your hands are under me all the time. Lord I pray that my ways would always delight you, and always bring glory and honor to your name. Give me gentleness in everything I do and say, help me to always look for the good and help me to never think of people in the wrong way.

I love you so much Lord.

Walking in your faith, in your steps and in your guidance,
~Nicki