Will I choose Victory?

Oh Father, getting a late start on my quiet time this morning, I'm sorry. My back has been really hurting and sleep has been NO GOOD. Turns out I have a fracture in my lower back. But Lord thank you for dr.'s who know how to make us feel better!! I'm feeling better already!! No time for this Lord!! =)

So after a day of defeat yesterday.......it's amazing how pain can make your whole emotional body feel yucky too....I am faced with options today. Victory or defeat? This week there's been a lot of defeat with housework, my marriage, my weight, motherhood...I'll be honest, life hasn't been all peachy. I've really felt like throwing the towel in a LOT lately. But I know that's not God's plan for me....He never wants us to fail.

But I feel God leading me to do some stuff, to step out in big ways, but I'm scared. I'm afraid of what will happen when I truly "put myself out there". I have truly found that it is this time in the refiners fire that is the most life-changing. And that is what I have felt him doing the past three years of my life......re-defining who I am, what my purpose is, why I'm here. Mothering came very easily to me with Taylor, but lately with the demands of three girl's, it's been hard. Many nights I lay my head down and think, "Wow, I didn't even so much as hug Taylor or Hope today." Let alone lead them into God's promises or shape them in His character.

Lord, sometimes I don't know if I'm ever going to be walking in victory when it comes to these issues. Many, MANY days my past comes back to haunt me. I think about all the things I've done wrong, I think about all the shoulda coulda woulda's. I think about the friendships I've had where I have been so let down......and then I think about friendships where I'm sure I have let others down. That is not walking in victory...at all. That is defeat, plain and simple. And then I have to give myself a kick and say, "Nicki, you've already overcome so much...press on." It's so easy to give up and to just say, "I lose."

I don't want to be a loser.....I don't want to be someone who God "could've" used. I want to be daily walking in victory. I think part of the reason I've been so unhappy is because I'm pouring my life into things that I feel are not God's plans for me....but how oh how do I say "no". Have mercy on me today sweet God, have mercy for my disobedience and that's all this has been......plain disobedience......plain defeat. Raise me up, Climb me up this mountain and hold my banner of victory over my head.

Oh How I long for the day,
When you will give my heart the words to say.

How you O God...could use me?
Wretched, poor, nothing to see.

You've captured my heart with grace.
It's what's given me the ability to long to see your face.

True there is so much to change.
Lord, you've given me quite a range!

Teach me your words, implant it in me
Make it so visible for all to see.

Bring them here one by one
Names I don't know but battles will be won.

For the banner over me says VICTORY
Make it a choice, change my history.

Wisdom is a gift so true
But grace will stand and always will do.

Amen