Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Sometimes our hearts will never know

Blogging has been kinda hard this week. The Lord has just placed some amazing people in my life this week and I have been so blessed to have been spending time with them. Our house has been busy, which is good. I've still been having my quite times but just not able to come on here and deeply share my heart with you. There's been a lot of tension, hurt and anger in my life this week........something God is deeply DEEPLY dealing with me on so maybe it's been good I haven't had a lot of time to blog.

On Tuesday, the Lord brought someone into my life to share her heart with me........I never knew what would come from this tender heart....... I listened intently holding onto every word she said. I took so much away from it, more than she will ever know....... but more than anything, I took the way that God requires....... not asks.....requires for us to act in unthinkable situation. As she left my home, I truly felt as though I had been sitting at the Lord's feet with her and he opened up His arms and said........this is how it should be. It was a touching conversation, made me re-think a lot of stuff going on in my life. Through it I saw a spirit of deep gentleness...........something that has been desperately missing in my life lately with this tense situation in my life.......even though my buttons have been pushed BEYOND measure right now......I looked at my friend, my sweet sister in Christ, sitting at my table, and thought.......if she can be calm....if she can find peace.......if she can find joy and gladness......if she can be so pure and right before our Lord in a situation where you or I would probably run.......I thought, my oh my, what an example to be. She's different.......I don't think I can describe it.......something just amazingly different about her. One thing she said that touched me more than anything is how her prayers have always been "God make me different, set me apart".......because I have been praying that for years............but have been failing miserably.......she's being victorious.

Tuesday night........through a very intense conversation, (with a different person) God showed me how truly hurt I am by certain situations in my life, current and past. And what I've seen is that the more you try and show people your heart and your true intentions.........many times, like this, they turn and run and throw you down while they are at it. Now.........had I not had that conversation earlier that day, I would have never been able to recognize the huge attack on my life that happened that night and I would have never seen an actual person follow through with how Christ requires us to be.......... However..........I failed.....I allowed the enemy to win and my anger got the best of me. I just get so tired of trying to explain my heart........ It is through hurt in my life that anger prevails and I guess I'm at a point where I'm tired of it...........so tired of it. But tired is not what God requires of me.......ouch. A time where God was trying to set me apart.........but I failed, oh I failed, again.

I guess what it is, is people believe that people can be changed.........and once they change, often they don't like that person anymore. And I guess that's what has happened in my life. I pray, oh I pray that you do not think of me as some self-righteous wannabe.........this is my heart, I wear it on my sleeve all the time and if you think that what comes out of my heart is ugly.......then I guess I'm just sorry you feel that way, but this is who God made me, very open and very much showing you my heart all the time, something not everyone can or is willing to do........ I was telling my dear friend today...........this morning (before chaos began) the Lord had me in Isaiah.....and it was odd because last night after I was ready to just bust anyone's bubble after my very intense conversation........he had me again in Isaiah. Talking about the end times and all that is to come from it. And just how I cannot wait because I know all this will fade away..........it will all be like a glimpse in time. How one day I will have to stand before my Lord and He will judge me for all the wrong and all the right..........and then, just like that, it will be gone......a memory maybe, but gone........

So, I went to the back of my bible and looked up a word just to see what would come........It led me to Luke 21:16, "You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends and they will put you to death. All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. By standing firm.....you will gain life.".........I was absolutely in shock when I read that.......again, a word a phrase, taking me to a passage talking about the end times and betrayal....I had just sat there last night saying to God, "I feel betrayed"....... But, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised because it was God speaking to me, confirming His thoughts to me..... My heart was not prepared to read that, my heart was not ready for God to say those harsh things to me. My heart has so not been prepared for anything He's been showing me through dreams, people, sermons and His word.....and all day, I have just felt like a pure failure......

But then......oh my friends, God is good.........then tonight.........I had the privilege of teaching kindergartners about our Lord..........and I sat there in that room and told them what it means to have palms up.......complete surrender......and how funny is God that I would be teaching 5 year olds about how "We can count on God......" and I just had experienced all this hurt in my life......Never in my life, my day or my week would I have ever imagined that through the eyes of 5 year olds I would truly see what it means to be walking around "palms up" knowing I can "count on God"..........wow. In our saddest moments......God's gonna be there, He's always been there, I've always been able to count on Him...... He's been SO REAL to me, how dare I question his timing, his works or his convictions........ All along, it's been right there, right in front of my face.........you can't fake a relationship with God...but all he requires is a willing heart.........a heart that says "God set me apart", but be careful friends when you pray that because He will and that's where the molding TRULY begins.....God's been showing me this is REAL STUFF.....there's no messing around, He means business......... This has been A WEEK.........and my goodness, it's only Wednesday.

My Father,
Oh how I have failed you so many times in my life and I am truly, truly sorry. Lord, Turn me around, pick me up and undo what I've become............ Father, I have always prayed that you would set me apart and I cannot thank you enough for showing me what that truly means. And Lord, it hurts, it truly hurts, and it goes against every fleshly urge we have.........But I know that I want to be able to stand before you in end and you being able to look at me and honestly say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Lord, I long for that more that anything in my life. God, my heart is tired........it's something that happens, but I pray for your strength to carry on with what you have called me to do. I pray for continued guidance from you in all situations. Lord, thank you SO MUCH for your sweet smiles I see ALL OVER this world. Thank you for using your people to bless me in ways they will never ever know. God my heart is full..........it is so full.........and I am wearing it on my sleeve.......and Father until you tell me differently, I will do no different. I trust you and I thank you for an amazing week so far. Good night sweet Lord.

Good night my friends.........the rest of this week is pretty busy too, so I think I'm going to take a break and won't be back until next week........my heart is full.....so much to absorb.........but I'll still be checking in on all of you!!! =) Love to you all!!!!

5 comments:

Sharon said...

Life is full right now.So much instruction going on and so much to absorb. I am listening. You keep listening. Keep dealing with people with a spirit of humility. Let Him love and be loved through you.
Have a good weekend.

Neva said...

Peace and prayers my sister
peace and prayers


Peace
Neva

Leigh Gray said...

beautiful my feind - love seeing Him in you!!!

Leigh

Kim said...

Soak Him in - Soak Him in.

CrownLaidDown said...

Praying for you this moment, Nicki...I pray this weekend is refreshing and restful in Him.
Love,
Holly