Monday, March 19, 2007

Just on overload!

Ok, the past few days I have realized something, I do not do well in life when things are in absolute chaos. Yes, having three kids most days are pretty chaotic, but we have our routine and I get things done but ya' should see my house. It looks like the perfect storm has hit, in more ways than one. I just can't believe that we are moving in a couple of weeks. And I feel like I'm in a panic b/c the girls just have so much "stuff". I know it would be smart to keep all of their clothes for Kennedy, but I'm at the point right now, where I just can't bear going through another pile of clothes to decide whether she'll be able to use it or not. They have way to many clothes, toys, books, baby dolls, it's ALL got to go. They even have to many hair bows!!! There's no way we're going to pay just to store "stuff" in storage that they won't even remember in four months.

PLUS, trying to keep up with my ebay stuff while I've been dealing with all of this the past few days, it's just been a big ol mess. I'm grouchy, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm tired of moving.(we've moved 5 times in 7 years!!!!) Our anniversary was yesterday and it was just...........awful.....we spent the whole day at eachtoher's throats about anything that we could. It didn't help that once again he chose to do NOTHING for our day.......I don't understand him or why he thinks it's ok to be like that, but it's not. I know, very sad. I don't tell you all of this to make you feel bad for me. I tell you all of this to show you once again, how imperfect my life is. I think way to many blogs create this "cookie cutter" feel and that is just not how life is. Yes, my kids are driving me crazy, my house is a mess, my husband is on my nerves and the last thing I feel like doing right now is meeting with God so he can convict me on some more stuff!

I just want life to be settled and for some reason God just will not allow that prayer to be answered in my life. Could he step down right now and fix all of this.......ABSOLUTELY. I'm just looking foreword to the end of this month so Kris and I can get away for a few days........and then I get stressed out thinking about running a 10k. =) Ugh.....I'm just a MESS this morning. I've got to get my feet on level ground!

Sometimes in a situation like this, I just have to say, Ok get it all in perspective, prioritize and get going! I know I've got to have a clean house, it keeps me sane, so today I will work on that. But more importantly I know I've got to get my heart right, before God. I know he's going to send us the perfect house, and I know he's going to unite Kris and I's decision (even though we can't seem to agree on ANYTHING). I know he's not done with Kris or myself. Why does Kris continue to hurt me? I don't know. Many times God gives me hope with Kris, like on Valentine's Day, he really went all out, but then for our 7th anniversary (which many people said we'd never make it to 5 years) he chooses to not even give me a card?

We've come a long ways in our marriage even though we've had all odds against us. And trust me, there have been MANY times where I wanted to pack my bags and hit the door. But God, and ONLY God has held this bond together. I was encouraged the other day as I was listening to Beth Moore online. She was talking about how at one time her marriage was on the verge of divorce and the only thing that kept her marriage together was the fact that her husband would never agree to separating. I about fell over, b/c of all the things Kris and I have gone through that is one thing HE has never said. Not that Kris and I are headed for a divorce or anything like that, we've just had a rough holiday again, and holidays are so special to me.

Ok, so now that I've vented forever about everything, I can finally get down to this quite time today. Ya'll I'm not trashing my husband on here, I truly love and appreciate him, I tell you this to share with you, that not everyone has a perfect marriage. We are so good to sit in church on Sunday mornings with our Sunday Faces. To never admit that we have faults and hurtful things happen in our lives or marriages. I never want to be that way. I never want to make anyone feel that I've got it all together. And if you read this blog, you know that!!! =) But what I want more than anything, oh more than anything, is for you to understand the GRACE that God has shown me in my life. That all of my hopes are in HIM. He holds my dreams, not Kris. He holds my heart and never let's go. This grace is what gets me through each day, it's how I can hold my head high wherever I go, knowing that God is all over me.

My prayer for my life is that I would always be an encouragement to others, especially women who have fallen from Grace as I have many times. But to always know that grace is right there, waiting for us to grab on and to hold it with our dear lives. I don't know what God is going to do with this impression on my heart HE has left. I know He's got something big coming. I know I have a calling on my life and it is just NOT GOING AWAY. I have dreams,........ oh I have dreams, of God being gracious enough to use me......I do know this much, that everything in life I go through is for a reason. This season of my life, no it is not fun, and I always like for everything to be fun!! But I know that God is taking all of it, tweaking me inside and getting it just right.

Hear my prayer to my Father today:

Dearest Father,
Oh you are so good to me. You have blessed me, and I am so unworthy of your blessings. Lord, I praise you for your three girls and your husband that you have given to me at this time of my life. Lord, I thank you for a home, a car, clothes, and food to eat. God you are so great to provide for all of my needs today and I cannot thank you enough. Sweet Jesus, I am so humbled in my life right now. God you have taken me to a place of finding your grace through humble circumstances. Lord, I know that your grace is all around me and I feel your presence in everything I do and say. Forgive me Father for the many times I don't listen to you still quite voice. Forgive me for even this morning I have messed up already.

Lord, thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for never giving up on this marriage. Thank you for your love, the only perfect love I have ever known in this life. Lord, I'm not even close to perfection in my life, but I am close to you, the only perfect thing in life. I know you have heard my prayers and I know you are working in ways I cannot see, or even know about right now. Give me patience as I seek your guidance for so much in life. Lord, keep my feet on level ground all day. I need some super powers to get everything done today! But Lord, I do have super powers, because I have you inside of me. You are walking right here.

Oh Lord, I wish I could just sit here all day and dwell in your presence in your word. But I know life's duties await me. Lord walk with me all day as I claim this verse in my life, "The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." (psalm 33:4) Oh my sweet Lord, you are always right and true and I know I will find your truth in your words all day. And my sweet Lord, you are ALWAYS faithful to me in everything you do!! Thank you for your promises to me and my life.


Bible study girls, I'm praying for ya'll tonight!! I KNOW God is going to show up in a big way!! I'll miss you so much! Someone let me know how everything turns out, I'll be praying!!!

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