Monday, February 26, 2007

A big weakness

This morning, I've come to face that good ol conviction again. Ya'll, I always want to give up when things get hard and don't start to go my way. I'm not like this with everything but with these strongholds that I am facing in my life I sure do feel like giving up more than I feel like pressing on. I feel like I'm a very positive thinker for the most part...I always think the best first but then, when the first strike comes, oh there I go......thinking negative. This morning, I feel like God is saying to me, you need to get a hold of this.

But it's hard. How do I stop feeling being mad at God when things don't turn out right, when I have FERVENTLY and desperately sought after Him and His word. How do I confess to others that I made a mistake even thought I was truly walking in His word? Is it possible to make mistakes when we are walking so close with Him? I just can't help but take a deep breath and say, "Ok, it's really time to face the truth!" And that's what God's word is, the absolute truth. So, if things in my life are not lining up with scripture that is how I will know I'm facing a battle.

The really weird thing is, everything has been a mess since I've accepted this position with CMC. My doubt has gone sky high, my fear is way up, my weight loss isn't right on, my quite times haven't been as deep because I'm thinking about so many other things, my focus has shifted this really the right thing for me to do? I just don't have peace. But, I have confirmation. How can you have both? Kris has completely felt like this is the right thing for me to do. Another friend who has been praying for me said she felt like it was the right thing. I was telling Kris, when I was interviewing for the ER position, I was excited, it was going to be a job I really wanted to do. This is an ICU position which can still be exciting, but I don't know, it just doesn't make me totally excited to go back to work.

This home business, it's exciting, I love it, I enjoy it and I'm doing ok with it, like anything that is new, it's going to take time to get it going better, but it's fun! But, I know, I know, not everything in life is fun and exciting. Or can it be? Do I just suck it up and do this job or do I say no and take a TOTAL leap of faith and jump even deeper into my own business, or do I do both? I think that's what I'm afraid of, if I do this job when am I going to have time to do my own thing? But, I think I can do it, it's just going to take major time management skills!

Ok, so I've just gone on and on about this today huh? Today I've started week two of this Living Free study. It's so goood, but I'm under so many strongholds right now, and I think what this study has done is really pointed it out to me. Do you ever find that it's easier to deal with a stronghold if you don't know about it??? ha! =) Of the five key things that Beth Moore is talking about, I think the one I'm struggling with the most is: Finding satisfaction in God. I've confessed a million times that I'm a "let's fix this" kinda person. I will often do everything else in the world to fix something then simply to run to the throne of God and completely lay whatever it is I'm dealing with at His feet.

But I know this much, I deeply long for that peace and satisfaction in knowing that everything is in God's hands. But I've always said having a heart full of knowledge and a heart full of desire are two very different things, and I can keep filling my heart with all this "knowledge" of satisfaction in Christ, but until I desire it, it's not going to change. So that is my prayer today. That God would burn a desire in me, to walk with Him and to trust in Him through every little detail. I have to keep praying for my desires to change for them to really change.

Well, it's back to the Y this morning, I'm not giving up, even though after last week I really feel like it. But I guess you gotta keep doing things even when you don't "feel" like it! Kris told me that this race he signed us up for is non-refundable so I'd better get my body running longer! It's a great day, it's a blessed day, it's a God day, it's a life full of love and peace day, it's a freedom in Christ day, it's a day of finding satisfaction in God! Have a blessed one!

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